Jasper For The Presidency!
by shadowgrave22
Summary: Emmett and Jasper are running for President. What trouble could these two possibly get into? Includes,the resurection of Hitler, the resurection of the Confederates, the resurection of the Union,and lots more! Bella is human. Cullens vamps.
1. Botox and yelling!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or a mansion. Life goes on…**

**A/N: I'm not sexist! Remember, Jasper was alive during the 1800's when women didn't have much liberty or freedom or rights… Also, I know it's a little late for the presidential election but I got the idea in a dream and I CAN'T WAIT ANOTHER FREAKIN' FOUR YEARS TO POST THIS STORY- SO…**

**Jasper P.O.V.**

Emmett and I were in the living room on a very, very, very, very boring day. Esme told us to fold the clothes if we were so bored. I meant we had nothing fun to do! As Emmett got to the underclothes, an idea popped into my head. I got rid of my boredom as I sent a wave of gayness to Emmett. Carlisle then walked into the room, confused, as Emmett eyed him like he was a piece of meat. "Emmett, are you ok?" asked Carlisle. Of course he wasn't ok. He never was. I don't know why he'd ask that now. Emmett just laughed a girly little laugh as he answered in a southern accent, "Why, Carlisle, I am just dandy! Have you been alright yourself? I could give you a massage if you like. With the special kind of oil." He winked at a traumatized Carlisle and Esme spent the rest of the day protecting him. I turned on the television to find the presidential campaign on CNN. I saw a man of about seventy years of age waving to the public. He was bald on top and wearing a suit that looked like it cost more than life itself. Senator John McCain if I'm right. I then turned my attention towards a woman with fairly blond hair, she looked quite familiar. Oh, of course! Hilary Clinton, the former first lady. Ha! The very idea of a woman running for president sent waves of laughter into my system. I haven't seen anything like it since Victoria Woodhull. I also saw an African-American man with really big ears and a big smile painted on his face. Ah, Senator Obama. (**A/N: Not to be mean or anything, but his ears **_**are**_** really big!) **I turned the volume up louder, not that I needed to, but people just do that when they're interested in stuff, so…

I watched and watched until Esme told me to turn the T.V. off before it broke. I became inspired watching this. I loved my country very much. Why, if it wasn't for Maria, maybe I would've become president a decade or so after I served my military service. I got another idea! Wow, its idea day! I turned off the television and called everyone to the table. "Ok, everyone settled?" I asked. I wanted to make sure nobody was in a bad mood, because it would kill my buzz. "Ok, I called you all here today because, -"

"Jasper, NO!" Edward complained.

"Jazzykins, I don't think that's the best idea." Agreed Alice.

"For everyone who can't read minds or see the future, Jasper would you explain?" asked Bella.

"Certainly." I said, smiling.

"As you all know the presidential election is going on, right?"

"Yes, of course we know," answered Carlisle. "Who doesn't?"

"Well, I was thinking –"

"Jazz, if I were you I wouldn't." said Alice.

"ANYWAY, I THOUGHT THAT I COULD MAYBE SEEK A POLITICAL FUTURE."

Everybody looked at me like I was Alice. Crazy. (Well, she _did_ go to a mental hospital)

Carlisle then said, "Jasper, it wouldn't be the best idea. I mean, it could expose us with you never aging."

"And besides," Esme added. "You don't look 35 or older."

"Esme! Esme, Esme, Esme, Esme, Esme!" I said. "I've lied about my age once, I can do it again."

"But Jasper, nobody would believe you!" yelled Bella.

"I'LL JUST TELL THEM I GOT BOTOX!!!" I snapped.

"Ooh! If Jasper gets to run for president, can I too?" asked Emmett.

"Of course, Darling." Rosalie answered.

"SWEET!"

Oh, so he could do it but I can't? No! Just because he acts like a 5-year-old doesn't mean he can get whatever he freakin' wants!

"So this means I can run?" I asked Esme.

"Well, of course!" she answered. "Emmett needs someone to beat.

"Ooh! Burn!" Jacob said.

"**GO AWAY, TRAMP!" **Everybody yelled.

"Who let you in!?!?" Rosalie questioned.

"Myself." He answered simply.

"**GO AWAY! GIT!" **I bellowed.

"Fine! *whimper* I *whimper* got *whimper* better *whimper* things *whimper* to do!" **(A/N: I know, I'm being so mean to him!)**

I was getting annoyed with my family.

"So, Emmett, I'll see you at the debate place thingy tomorrow!"

"I'll comfort you when you lose."

"IT IS I WHO WILL BE COMFORTING YOU!"

"IT'S ON!"

"LIKE DONKEY KONG!"

I wonder if this will affect our brotherly relationship.

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**PLEASE! REVIEW! And also, I need ideas about what will happen at the debate and I want Jasper to run into Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton while Emmett runs into Hilary in the bathroom and John McCain before the debate. Ok, I know this has nothing to do with the story but last night I had a dream that Jacob had puppies and Paul was the father. Just thought I'd tell you… Oh, also my mom made me take down my twilight poster because it kept scaring my freakin' sister. SHE SAID AND I QUOTE, 'That poster will bring spirits from the other side. It is demonic! I don't want it in my house!' Just thought I'd add that…**

**HOW UNFAIR!!!!!!!**

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	2. It's Eddie's Money!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or a boyfriend. Your point…?**

**Emmett P.O.V.**

OH YEAH! WHOO! Today's the day of the debate thingy mabob! I bet I'll be sooo good at it! Ooh! I bet I'll win the public over with a fancy suit! Yeah! But, where will I **get** a fancy suit? I know, I'll ask Alice! "Alice! Oh, Alice!"

"What?"

"I need a fancy suit, think you could hook me up?"

"Eh, I don't know, Emmett."

"WHY?!?!?!"

"I feel like I should be supporting Jasper on this one."

"BUT I NEED FANCY MENWEAR!"

"You have money, go buy a suit yourself!"

"Er, actually I don't have any money."

"WHAT!?! I saw Carlisle give you $2,000 yesterday!"

"I spent it."

"ON WHAT?!?"

_Flashback_

_Yay! It's allowance day! I wonder what I'll spend my money on! Ooh! There's Carlizzle my nizzle!_

"_Hey, Carlizzle!"_

"_Don't call me that."_

"_Anyway, can I have my allowance?"_

"_Only if you promise to not spend it all today."_

"_I SWEAR."_

"_Emmett, I mean it."_

"_I SAID I SWEAR!"_

"_Ugh, ok. Here's $2,000."_

_La la la la la! I promised not to spend it all to- ooh! A potato launcher! It's only $2.00! Ok, I have $2,000 and it costs $2.00. Ooh! They both have twos! _

"_I would like to buy this potato launcher."_

"_That will be $2.00."_

"_Here you go!"_

_*Hands man $2,000*_

"_WOW! THANKS!"_

"_YAY A POTATO LAUNCHER!"_

_End Flashback_

"Er, I don't remember."

"Emmett-OUT!"

"FINE!"

Stupid Alice, making me grumble to myself. I decided I would just steal money from Edward's wallet. I always do that and replace the money with Xerox printed money. He never notices. When I got to the store, I saw all kinds of different suits! There were black suits, and red suits, blue suits, and orange suits! There were even polka-dotted suits! (Emmett's suit on my profile) I decided on the polka-dotted tuxedo, because who doesn't love me in a tux? I took it off the rack and went into the dressing rooms. It ripped, not because I was fat, because it was too small! Well, what did I care anyway? It's Eddie's money! After I got a bigger suit, I walked up to the cashier.

"Hello, welcome to Suit World. How may I friggin' help you?

"Can I buy this suit?"

"I dunno, can you?"

"What?"

"Do you have enough money?"

"Well, _I _don't, but my brother has lots-"

"JUST GIVE ME THE FREAKIN' MONEY!"

"OK!"

"That will be $1,000."

"For this piece of crap?"

"Yeah."

"FINE."

*Hands man $10,000.*

"WOW, THANKS!"

"What?"

"JUST LEAVE!"

Ok! I'll win the election! La! La! La! Hey, there's Jazzizzle my nizzle.

"Jazzizzle!"

"Don't call me that."

"Anyways, I'm soooo gonna beat you in the debate today!"

"What makes you think that?"

"I got a fancy suit!"

"So do I."

"Huh?"

"I'm married to Alice. What do you expect?"

"But look at my fancy suit!"

*Emmett pulls out suit*

"Ha! Yeah, you're *snicker* really *snicker* gonna *snicker* win!"

"Thanks buddy!"

Oh yeah! This is gonna be sweet!


	3. The Friggin' Gettysburg Address!

**Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own twilight or a million bucks.**

**(A/N: The Iraq response is not my opinion. I don't have one on Iraq. I got this opinion from some political website. Also when the questions come to Barack Obama and John McCain, they're going to give really stupid answers because I want this to really be about just Jasper and Emmett. Don't worry, they're answers will get smarter at the end.)**

**Jasper P.O.V.**

I smiled as I turned on the news, to find that the news anchors had already announced me and Emmett's campaigns. Hilary Clinton got out of the race today, so that's one less. I knew a woman would never become president. Anyway, I was enjoying the news when Emmett came in to show me his "fancy" suit.

"Jazzizzle!" Ugh! Why does he always call me that?

"Don't call me that."

"Anyways, I'm soooo gonna beat you in the debate today!" Ha!

"What makes you think that?"

"I got a fancy suit!"

"So do I."

"Huh?"

"I'm married to Alice. What do you expect?" Really what _does_ he expect?

"But look at my fancy suit!"

*Emmett pulls out suit*

"Ha! Yeah, you're *snicker* really *snicker* gonna *snicker* win!" HE GOT A SUIT FROM CLOWN WORLD!

"Thanks buddy!"

Oh, yeah. I have this election in the bag. He's going to embarrass himself at the debate today with that suit from Clown World. I had paid Clown World $30,000 to change the sign to Suit World for at least a day. I didn't say I would play fairly, did I? Playing dirty is going to win me the election. I wonder what else I can do to sabotage his campaign. Oh, well, I have to go. Got a debate to attend to. I got into Alice's Porsche and drove to the convention place thingy. I was going to take my motorcycle, but that wouldn't look right. I told Emmett he could take it, because what's funnier than a man in a clown suit riding a motorcycle running for president? Nothing. Ok, maybe the time Edward got arrested by Charlie because he got caught speeding. Or maybe the time Edward got arrested by Charlie because he was caught using Xerox printed money. Anyway, as funny as it is seeing Edward get arrested, this had to be funny. I suddenly felt a wave of nervousness wash over me. I wasn't nervous; the other candidates were. I was distracted until the debate began.

"Mr. Whitlock?"

"WHAT!?!??!?!!?!!"

"Um, what are you going to do about the soldiers in Iraq?"

"Um, well, I was thinking about taking them out."

"Ok."

Uh-oh. Was that answer good enough? Well, it was obviously going to be better than Emmett's answer. I waited.

"Mr. McCarty?"

"Yes?"

"What are you going to do about the soldiers in Iraq?"

"Well… while the safety of the troops is at stake, there is also the safety of the country. The soldiers signed up to protect the nation, so I say we leave them in Iraq."

My jaw dropped open. The audience started clapping, but when I said my response, they didn't do anything. Was it because his answer was longer?

"Yeah, you go Emmett!" I heard a man call.

"EMMETT FOR PRESIDENT!"

"Emmett equals victory!"

WHAT!?!? They were talking about EMMETT!!! And not me. I waited for the next question.

"Senator Obama, what are you going to about the soldiers in Iraq?"

"…"

"Senator Obama?"

"…"

"Ok… Senator McCain, what are you going to do about the soldiers in Iraq?"

"…"

"Hello?"

"…"

"Ok…"

"Mr. Whitlock? What are your views on education?"

"**Education** in its broadest sense is any act or experience that has a formative effect on the mind, character, or physical ability of an individual (e.g., the consciousness of an infant is educated by its environment through its interaction with its environment); and in its technical sense **education** is the process by which society deliberately transmits its accumulated knowledge, values, and skills from one generation to another through institutions.[1] Teachers in such institutions direct the education of students and might draw on many subjects, including reading, writing, mathematics, science and history. This technical process is sometimes called schooling when referring to the compulsory education of youth. For example, Samuel Bowles [2] and Herbert Gintis, [3] Teachers in specialized professions such as astrophysics, law, or zoology may teach only a certain subject, usually as professors at institutions of higher learning. There is also instruction in fields for those who want specific vocational skills, such as those required to be a pilot. In addition there is an array of education possible at the informal level, e.g., at museums and libraries, with the Internet, and in life experience.

The right to education has been described as a basic human right: since 1952, Article 2 of the first Protocol to the European Convention on Human Rights obliges all signatory parties to guarantee the right to education. At world level, the United Nations' International Covenant on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights of 1966 guarantees this right under its Article 13. So that's why I think education is important."

What was he doing snoring? What were they ALL doing snoring? I gave a very formal and long speech on Education and they fall asleep?

"DUDE!"

"Huh? Oh, uh, thank you, Mr. Whitlock."

"Anyway, , what are your views on education?"

"Education is important."

"Thank you."

WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT? I was infuriated as each audience member called out something about Emmett.

"YEAH, EMMETT!"

"PRESIDENT McCARTY!"

"EMMETT RULEZ!"

"BOO WHITLOCK!"

"BOO!"

"BOO YOU STINK!"

Ugh! What is wrong with these people!!?!?

"Senator Obama, what are your views on Education?"

"…"

"DUDE, YOU GOTTA ANSWER!"

"…"

"Senator McCain?"

"I like cake."

"Senator Obama?"

"Ooh! Me too! Wanna go get some cake McCain?"

"SURE!"

The audience started clapping.

"YEAH! CAKE IS AWESOME!"

"PRESIDENT OBAMA!"

"NO, PRESIDENT McCAIN!"

"YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!"

"YEAH!"

"FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!"

What is wrong with people in this century? Emmett started talking; probably saying stupid stuff.

"My fellow Americans…"

"McCarty!"

"SPEECH SPEECH SPEECH SPEECH!"

"Well, if that's what the public wants…

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth, upon this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived, and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met here on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of it as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But in a larger sense we can not dedicate - we can not consecrate - we can not hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled, here, have consecrated it far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember, what we say here, but can never forget what they did here.

It is for us, the living, rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they have, thus far, so nobly carried on. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us - that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they here gave the last full measure of devotion - that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain; that this nation shall have a new birth of freedom; and that this government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth."

"THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL MAN!"

"INSPIRING!

WHAT!?!? THAT WAS JUST THE CRAPPY GETTYSBURG ADDRESS! Didn't sound good when Lincoln said it, (AND I WAS A WITNESS) doesn't sound good when Emmett says it.

"EMMETT RULEZ!"

I yelled to the dude asking questions, "THAT WAS THE FRIGIN' GETTYSBURG ADDRESS!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, we've run out of time! You can all go home now."

Stupid imbacels.

**(A/N: I know it's kinda stupid, but it was fun to write! REVIEW!)**


	4. Emmett gets married?

**Disclaimer: I don't own twilight. Well, I own the whole series and some posters, but you know what I mean. Oh, and happy July 4****th****!**

**(A/N: Sorry if anyone's OOC. Thanks kelsey morgan cullen and diehardTWIhard!)**

**Emmett P.O.V.**

I so creamed Jasper in the election last night. He was so shocked, he couldn't close his jaw. Alice had to duck tape his mouth shut. Campaigning is fun, but a LOT of work. I decided to hire someone as my assistant, so I put an ad in the paper.

**WANTED**

**Assistant to Presidential Candidate, Emmett McCarty Cullen.**

**Pays: $10,000 an hour.**

**Call: 817-333-4265**

Ring! Ring! Ring! Ooh! I wonder if someone's answering my ad.

"Hello, Cullen residence, Emmett speaking."

"OMC! It's THE actual Emmett Cullen!"

"Yeah, uh, what's your name?"

"OMEMC! kelsey morgan cullen!!!!"

"So, you want the job?"

"What kind of question is that? YES I WANT THE JOB!"

"Cool, come by my house tomorrow at 6:00 and we'll talk."

"COOL!"

"Bye."

"Ugh, I HATE TO SAY BYE- hello?"

Wow, that was um… really weird. Even for me.

_The next day at 6:00…_

Ding Dong! Oh, that's probably kelsey morgan cullen! I WUV HER!

"I'm telling Rosalie you thought that!" yelled Edward.

"TATTLETALE!"

Ding Dong! Ding Dong! I opened the door after the first 6,000 rings. Ding Don-…

"Hi! I'm Emmett!"

"OME! IT'S A CULLEN!"

"Yeah, uh-"

"Anyway, should we get started!?!!?"

"Sure."

"GREAT. I was thinking, you need a campaign commercial."

"A campaign commercial?"

"Yeah, every candidate needs one to get noticed. Here, look."

She turned on the T.V. showing John McCain.

"…I'm John McCain, and I approve this message." The T.V. then exploded and burst into flames. My leg caught on fire.

"AAHHHHH! WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT TEAR THE PIECES!!!"

"OMC! HOLD ON! I'LL GET A FIRE EXTINGUISER!"

"AH! IT'S SPREADING TO MY GROIN!"

"HERE!"

Ah, much better. Hey, where are my pants? I was suddenly scared of kelsey morgan cullen as she clutched my burnt pants close to her.

"Um, can I have my pants back?"

"There are more important things in life than pants!"

"THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING! Hey, we really are alike! Will you marry me?"

"YES!!!"

Rosalie came in and slapped kelsey morgan cullen in the head. Good thing Carlizzle is a doctor!

"I'm telling Carlisle you called him Carlizzle!" Edward yelled.

"I SAID STAY OUTTA MY FREAKIN' HEAD!"

"No."

"AAHH!!!"

After kelsey morgan cullen stopped bleeding, we got to work on the campaign commercial.

"Um, kelsey?" I asked.

"YES?"

"Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Yes," she responded. "Now, make sure the bananas are balanced on top of your nose."

"Why do we need bananas?"

"Look, Emmett. You're the funny man in the election. America loves funny! Jasper is too serious about everything. You are the anti-Jasper, ok?"

"But, he's my favorite brother!"

Bella then came in and smushed my bananas! Jerk.

"I'M TELLING EDWARD YOU SAID THAT!"

"TATTLETALE!"

_One messy cleanup later…_

"Anyway, will this hurt Jasper?"

"NO! NOW SING!"

"Bananas! They are curved and yellow and pink! Bananas! Bananas! Watch out cuz they're smarter than you think! Cha!"

"PERFECTO! EXCELLENT!"

"You really think so?"

"I KNOW SO!"

"Why do you yell everything?"

"So they big scary men don't recognize me!"

"Hmm. Makes sense."

"Ok, all we gotta do is get this baby to the T.V. network and we'll have a commercial!"

_The next day…_

"Shh! Everybody, It's on!" I yelled.

"What's on?" Asked Bella.

"MY COMMERCIAL!"

"Hi, I'm Emmett and I … like to sing!!!!! Bananas! They are curved and yellow and pink! Bananas! Bananas! Watch out cuz they're smarter than you think! Cha!"

"Hi, I'm kelsey morgan cullen, Emmett's assistant. I'm just saying, a vote for Emmett is a vote for bananas!"

"I'm Emmett McCarty Cullen, and I approve this message!"

I looked around to see everybody's reaction.

"SO? WHAT DID YA THINK? BELLA?"

"Um…"

"Rose?"

"It was, uh…"

"Carlizzle, Esme?"

"Emmett we uh…"

"Edizzle?"

"It sucked."

"You suck." **(A/N: OH NO YOU DID NOT!)**

"kelsey morgan cullen?"

"IT ROCKED!"

"YAY!"

"REALLY IT ROCKED!"

"GOOD! WILL YOU MARRY ME? I'LL LEAVE ROSE FOR YOU!"

"I ACCEPT!"

Yay, I got a new wife! Until Rose killed her. Aw. BUT THEN I BROUGHT HER BACK TO LIFE!!! YEAH, TAKE THAT ROSE!

**Jasper P.O.V.**

I can't believe Emmett made a commercial. People are calling our house to congratulate him! Gasp! I got an idea! I'll get an assistant just like Emmett. I put an ad on a blimp, and waited for someone to call.

Ring! Ring! Rin-

"Hello!?!?! It's Jasper Hale!"

"Hi! OMFC! It's Jasper Whitlock Hale! MY NAME IS diehardTWIhard."

"Yeah, are you wanting to be my assistant?"

"HELL YEAH!"

"Okay, come over whenever-"

Before I could finish, diehardTWIhard burst through the wall of my room.

"OMJWHC! IT'S YOU!"

"Yeah, and you are my new assistant!"

"YAY!"

"So, what should we do first?"

"Well, I hear we should make a campaign commercial."

"Ok, but it has to be a LOT better than Emmett's."

"I'M SURE AS I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU THAT IT WILL BE BETTER."

"Wow, that's uh… creepy."

"That hurt my feelings when my teacher said it but it doesn't when you say it!"

"Ok, um…"

"WILL YOU FRIIGIN' MARRY ME!?!?!"

"Uh, I'm married."

"So? kelsey morgan cullen married Emmett and he's married to Rosalie!"

"Fine."

"YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Can we start with that commercial?"

"Sure!"

Wow, dieharTWIhard is really um…. Well it doesn't matter. She's a great assistant, in a weird possessive stalker-y kind of way.

"Ok, so if you want to beat Emmett, we want to convince the public that YOU are special."

""How?"

"He-he. I'll show you how." Her eye then started to twitch uncontrollably and she laughed evilly.

"Jasper, we need you to sound cooler than that!"

"I'M TRYING!"

"TRY HARDER!"

"I DON'T EVEN THINK THAT'S POSSIBLE!"

"TRY HARDER!"

UGH! Ok, well if it's to beat Emmett, I guess it's worth it.

"Yo, I'm Jazzizzle Whitlockzizzle Cullen."

"AHEM!"

"Fine! Yo, I'm Jazzizzle Whitlockizzle Cullen-izzle. I wanna be yo prez! A voteizle for me is a voteizle for coolizzle."

"PERFECT! YOU SOUND SO COOL!"

"I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING!"

"That doesn't matter. As long as you're cooler than Emmett…"

"What if _they _don't understand me?"

"Of course they will! Now we need more smoke on the stage and more dancing girls!"

"diehardTWIhard, we are NOT MAKING A RAP VIDEO!"

"Whatever! ALICE, BELLA, ESME! GET DOWN HERE!"

Alice, Bella, and Esme, then came down the stairs, with Edward by Bella's side. Stalker.

"What, diehardTWIhard?" they all asked.

"Go put on revealing clothing and dance in Jasper's music video- I mean commercial."

"No!" yelled Esme. "I am better than that."

"Jazz, I would just love to, but I won't." said Alice. Traitor.

"JASPER I WILL NOT LET BELLA DANCE IN A MUSIC VIDEO-I MEAN COMMERCIAL WEARING THAT!" He said, pointing to the outfit.

"What if she wants to? Over possessive, suicidal stalker."

"What?"

"NOTHING!"

"Anyway, I wasn't asking YOU."

"Yeah," said Bella. "Jasper, I will do that for you."

"SWEET!"

"BELLA!" exclaimed Edward.

"What?"

"Bella, come with me."

"Yes, Jasper."

"Put this on."

"'kay."

After she put on that REALLY REVEALING outfit, Edward's jaw dropped. Pervert.

"Wow-" said Edward.

"SHUT UP PERVERT!" I yelled.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?"

"NOTHING!"

"Bella, diehardTWIhard, come!"

We proceeded to the living room where we ran into kelsey morgan cullen and Emmett shooting another commercial with…Charlie? What's he doing here?

"Hey, um, Chief Swan. What are you doing here?"

"I'm making sure they don't do anything illegal. It's the Fourth of July and they want to use fireworks."

"Are you going to let them?"

"No."

kelsey morgan cullen then set the fireworks off, but they backfired and landed on Charlie's car. And then Charlie's head. He's bald now.

"YOU ARE BOTH UNDER ARREST!"

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE COPPERS!" yelled kelsey morgan cullen.

"Stop stealing my burning car!"

"NEVER!"

I looked to diehardTWIhard, and she looked at me.

"Um, maybe we should do that commercial now?"

"Yeah…" she agreed.

The phone rang, and I got it.

"Hello?"

"HEY! BRING MY KID HOME!"

"diehardTWIhard!"

"What?"

"GO HOME!"

"'kay!"

After she left, I turned on the T.V. to find something shocking!

'…and they're 4 survivors. In other news, Presidential candidate Jasper Whitlock Hale's assistant, diehardTWIhard, got arrested for starting a fight with Presidential candidate Emmett McCarty Cullen's assistant, kelsey morgan cullen. Here's what diehardTWIhard had to say.

'TAKE THAT! AND THAT! WHADDYA MEAN I CAN'T BEAT UP THE OPPOSING CANDIDATES!!?!?! I CAN BEAT UP WHOEVER I WANNA!'

I turned back to the news anchor.

'diehardTWIhard and kelsey morgan cullen, who was already in jail for assaulting an officer, were put into the same jail cell, where they started another fight. Kelsey morgan cullen should have her left ear back tomorrow.'

That's what I get for hiring a crazed fan girl.

**LIKE IT? HATE IT? What about Jasper's rap video- I mean commercial? Will diehardTWIhard, kelsey morgan cullen, and Emmett ever get out of jail? Find out when I write the next chapter!**


	5. I'm not sleeping with your daughter!

**Disclaimer: I don't own twilight or *sob* Jasper. *GOES INTO EMO CORNER* (A/N: Yes, I actually have an emo corner.)**

**(A/N: Sorry if I made you Canadian when you're American or the other way around.)**

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

Today's a really bad day! My assistant and I got arrested for burning Charlie's car and making him bald. If you ask me, he looks better that way! I share a cell with diehardTWIhard, kelsey morgan cullen, and some sweaty dude. EW!!! HE JUST WIPED HIS BOOGIES ON ME!! That is like, so like, gross. Like. The last time I went to jail, I shared a cell with some guy named James Ray Dean, or something like that. I got arrested for urinating in public. GASP! I know what to do! I'll make a prison break! Like on that one show, PRISON BREAK! Esme told me not to watch those kinds of shows because my mind will get all messed up. TAKE THAT, ESME! WATCHING PRISON BREAK EDUCATES ME!!!! Charlie then came over and told me I had a few visitors. Charlie? DOESN'T HE EVER GO HOME!!!?!?!!?

"Hey, Charlie?"

"Yeah?"

"Why don't you ever go home!?!"

"I love my job here at the station!"

"GASP! So you don't love Bella!?"

"Well, I guess she gets lonely sometimes but-"

"Oh! Bella never is lonely. Why, Edward is in her bed almost every night!"

"**WHAT!?!!?**"

"Oops."

While Charlie was having a mental break-down, another officer brought my visitors in. They were Jasper, Edward, Bella, and some dude in a fancy suit. GASP! I HAVE A FANCY SUIT TOO!

"Hey, guys! Are you here to pay my bail?"

"No, Emmett, we came here to withdraw you from the election." Said Jasper, smiling. Jerk.

"WHAT!?!"

"You see, Emmett, America doesn't want their country run by criminals." Said the dude in the suit.

"Emmett," Bella started. "I was going to vote for you, if that makes you feel better."

"Um, I was going to vote for Jasper." Said Edward. YOU BIG JERK!

"I AM NOT A JERK!" he yelled. Oops. I forgot the repressed, over possessive, suicidal, stalker could read minds.

"EMMETT! I AM NOT A STALKER BECAUSE BELLA WANTS ME TO BE THERE. I AM NOT OVER POSSESIVE BECAUSE I LET BELLA GO PLACES! Ok, you got me on the suicidal and repressed part, but in like a month I will not be repressed! I will no longer be a virgin because I will be married." Bella's face then turned the darkest shade of red and Jasper had to leave because he was thinking bad things. I don't know what, but it must have been bad enough for Edward to push him through the wall like that. Edward owes the police a new wall. Charlie woke up from passing out and started to strangle Eddie! It was actually very entertaining! I know it won't do anything, but it was funny! They made a whole conversation through this:

"STOP SLEEPING WITH MY LITTLE GIRL, YOU #!#$**!!!!!~#&&!!"

"I'm not _sleeping _with your daughter; I swear my whole life on it." Ooh, he's good.

"SHUT UP! I'M SPEAKING YOU !!#$%%#$$^&^*&^$#!!!*!!"

Bella came between them, tears and all, and told Charlie:

"Dad, he's not _sleeping _with me."

"Why do you keep stressing the word sleeping!? Are you doing something worse!?!?!"

"No, we aren't!" Well, it's true. Eddie is repressed and he won't go farther than kissing.

"How do I know you're telling the truth?"

"Because Emmett's a liar."

"True. I'm so sorry, Bells!"

"Ahem." She said.

"Humph. My apologies, Edward."

"It's ok, Chief Swan. Emmett can't help it. He's a natural liar." HEY!!! He whispered so low only I could hear. _"Well, it's true!"_ Yeah, but it totally hurt my feelings! I thought.

"_Sorry."_

You are not forgiven.

"_Jerk."_

Ok! Fine, you're forgiven!

"_Good, I'll pay your bail for that."_

YAY!

"_And we don't _have _to tell the public that you went to jail. They only know your assistant and Jasper's did."_

Yeah. Hey, speaking of assistants, where are diehardTWIhard and kelsey morgan cullen?

"_I don't know."_

_**In Canada… Nobody's P.O.V.**_

"WE MADE IT!" yelled kelsey morgan cullen.

"I'M HOME!" shouted diehardTWIhard.

"You're Canadian?"

"Yeah, YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?"

"No, but where's your funny accent?"

"WHY ARE YOU SO STERYOTYPICAL!?!?"

"I AM NOT!"

"Fine, but no bacon."

"I don't like ham."

"What?"

"Canadian bacon is just ham." Carly, Sam, Freddie, and Spencer then came out and started to beat them with shovels.

"STOP STEALING OUR LINES!" yelled Sam.

"YEAH!" yelled Spencer and Freddie.

"I will take no part in this argument; I will only beat you with a shovel." Said Carly.

ME LOVEY JAZZY came out and joined the group.

"What are you doing here?" asked kelsey morgan cullen.

"I am part of the Canadian police force."

"A Monty!" yelled kelsey morgan cullen.

"Yes, and I say you are crossing the border illegally.

"Actually," said diehardTWIhard, "I'm a Canadian citizen."

"Oh, then you're free to go."

"YAY!"

"As for you," she said, staring at kelsey morgan cullen. "You are under arrest!"

"AGAIN!?!?" she yelled, before she ran off.

"HALT!" shouted ME LOVEY JAZZY.

"COME ON! IT'S SO NOT FAIR! WHY DO WE NEED PASSPORTS TO GO INTO CANADA?"

"I dunno. I don't make the laws."

"Well…"

"What?" asked ME LOVEY JAZZY.

"Why don't you run for the Presidency of the U.S.?"

"Huh?"

"Think about it. You could have a lot more power than what you're doing now."

"Hmm. That's actually a good idea. I WILL RUN FOR THE U.S. PRESIDENCY!"

"Good, now move to Forks."

"Why?"

"I dunno, all the other candidates are."

"Oh, ok!"

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

Today was…weird. Just when diehardTWIhard and I were going to shoot a commercial, Emmett and kelsey morgan cullen set off illegal fireworks and they catch the cruiser on fire! Not to mention Charlie's hair. I think he looks better that way. What results of this?

How about diehardTWIhard assaulting kelsey morgan cullen who assaulted Charlie and they both end up in jail with Emmett and a sweaty dude?!? And you know what else!?! diehardTWIhard and kelsey morgan cullen run off to God knows where and abandon me and Emmett in our time of need! I decided to watch a little mind numbing television to take my thoughts off of the election for a while. What I saw on T.V. was not helping.

"…and that's why a tomato is a fruit. In other news, America has a new candidate for the presidency. ME LOVEY JAZZY is an official candidate and this is what ME LOVEY JAZZY had to say."

"Yes, my fellow Americans, I promise to be a better president than Emmett Dale McCarty Cullen, Jasper Whitlock Hale, John _insert middle name here _McCain, and Barack Hussein Obama, combined! I will take America right out of the recession and put it right into a magical land of fairy goodness! I promise HAPPINESS, FOOD, ICE CREAM, HOT PEOPLE which doesn't include Jacob Black, AND EDWARD to ALL THE CITIZENS OF OUR GREAT NATION!"

What!?!?! Look how much she's promising! YOU CAN'T PROMISE HAPPINESS! FOOD? ICE CREAM? HOT PEOPLE? Edward? Damn, why didn't I promise the people Edward before? I'm thinking about withdrawing from the election.

**Ooh! Will Jasper withdraw from the election? Will diehardTWIhard and kelsey morgan cullen ever LEGALLY get out of prison? Will Emmett and Jasper ever finish their commercials? Will Charlie's hair ever grow back? Will ME LOVEY JAZZY triumph in the end? Am I just stalling because I don't know what to write next? REVIEW. Do it for the children.**


	6. Jasper's cheating on Alice?

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight or Canada. But that would be so cool if I did own twilight and Canada. Hey, Canadian President! Can I buy Canada? Oh, sorry. I don't have enough money.**

**(A/N: Sorry if I don't update soon enough. My computer's being an a-hole and I just got the internet connection back.)**

**diehardTWIhard's P.O.V. **

Hallelujah! I'm out of prison! Emmett bust the bars and kelsey morgan cullen and I escaped to Canada. I feel kind of bad for Jasper; I'm letting him down just when the election is heating up. I mean, did you hear about ME LOVEY JAZZY? She's promising happiness, food, Ice Cream, hot people, and EDWARD!!! _I _don't want to even vote for Jasper anymore! I know it's sad. Well, it's kind of my fault. I convinced ME LOVEY JAZZY to run for the presidency and I take full blame if Jasper loses. How could I do this to my husband? *Stephanie Meyer whispers into diehardTWIhard's ear*

"WHAT? WHADDYA MEAN HE'S NOT MY HUSBAND?"

"He's married to Alice."

"Your point…?"

"Oh, forget it!"

**kelsey morgan cullen's P.O.V.**

I feel kind of…guilty. I betrayed Emmett, and now ME LOVEY JAZZY'S probably going to win. I hate myself. Life sucks. GASP! How did this eye-liner get on me? Why am I wearing all black? WHY ARE THERE CUT MARKS ON MY WRIST? **(A/N: Just because you wear black and have cut marks doesn't mean you're emo. I have cut marks and wear black, but I'm not depressed. I am a majority of the time, but I am cheered up when I write stories! Sorry, I'll shut up now.)** Am I… emo? I know how test this theory! I'll take a test online!

_1. Do you wear eye-liner?_

_YES_

_No _

_2. Do you cut yourself?_

_YES_

_NO_

_3. Do you wear black?_

_YES_

_NO_

_4. Are you popular?_

_YES_

_NO_

_5. Are you emo?_

_YES_

_NO_

_DUMMY, THAT'S WHY I'M TAKING THIS TEST_

Now, I'll just wait until my results are calculated!

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

BAD NEWS! Another candidate is running for president! Her name is ME LOVEY JAZZY! Gasp! ME LOVEY JAZZY? She loves Jazzizzle? That means, dun dun dun… JASPER'S CHEATING ON ALICE WITH THE OPPOSING CANDIDATE! I must tell this to the news station at once. Hold on! I gotta finish my commercial. Ever since Eddie paid my bail, he's been taking the place of kelsey morgan cullen's assistant job. He will never replace the love I feel for kelsey morgan cullen. Rosalie Hale (I refuse to call her Rose) said that I'm not in love with kelsey, I'm just being distracted by a crazed fangirl. Oops, I'm really late for that commercial.

"EMMETT!" yelled Eddie from downstairs. "WE NEED TO START!"

"Ok, hold on!"

"AND DON'T CALL ME EDDIE!"

"Fine."

When I got downstairs, I was SO excited! My last commercial with kelsey morgan cullen was too painful to see everyday on television. This one would take kelsey off my mind. I MISS KELSERS! WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY GOODBYE!? I feel like a wilting Lilly.

"Emmett, for the last time, you don't love kelsey morgan cullen!"

"YES I DO!"

"YOU LOVE ROSALIE!"

"DO NOT!"

"DO TOO!"

"Oh, yeah? Well, um, YOU LOVE TANYA!"

"DO NOT!"

"DO TOO!"

"BOYS!" yelled Bella in between us. "What's all the ruckus about?"

"Hey, Bella?" I said, smiling. "Guess what?"

"What?"

"EDWARD LOVES TANYA!"

"NO!" she cried, before she ran to La Push to jump off a cliff.

"Bella, come back!" pleaded Eddie, before he ran to La Push.

Oh great!


	7. I vant to bite your neck!

**Disclaimer: I don't own twilight or a cell phone. (BUT MY MOM'S GONNA GET ME ONE THIS SUMMER!!!)**

**(A/N: Sorry I haven't updated. I was having writers block and I actually got an idea, but I forgot it… It's like 11:36 P.M. where I am, but I got an idea, so I'm writing this before my dad threatens to beat the computer to death.)**

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

Oh great! I think I may have made Eddie cross the treaty-line! Oh well. That's his problem. My commercial with Eddie went great! I even got some celebrities to be in it! Ooh! It's starting!

"Hi, this is Hannah Montana! I'm an annoying teenage brat who is famous from her daddy and likes to influence your children to date guys 5 years older than them and pose almost nude for a photo-shoot! I want you to vote for Emmett, because if you don't, you won't be cool!"

"Hi! This is Vanessa Anne Hudgens! I like to date people I barely know, and then send nude photos to them to tarnish the good reputation of Disney Channel! Vote for Emmett because then you'll be popular!"

"HI! THIS IS EMMETT McCARTY CULLEN! I want you to vote for me, because a vote for Emmett is a vote for full access to Edward's mouth!"

"I'm Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, and I want to vote for Emmett!" He then went to the microphone and whispered something.

"_Vote for Jasper Hale; he doesn't lie to the public!"_

HEY! I DO NOT LIE TO THE PUBLIC! I merely take the truth and say the opposite of it!

"THAT'S CALLED LYING!" yelled Eddie-boy.

"THAT'S IT!" I yelled to Cedric- I mean Edward before I killed him. **(A/N: That's me being nice to Jacob fans. I wouldn't normally do that.)**

"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" cried Bella after she resurrected from the dead.

"OMG!" I yelled.

"What?" she asked.

"YOU CAME BACK TO LIFE! YOU'RE LIKE A WOMAN VERSION OF JESUS! ALL HAIL BELLA, THE WOMAN VERSION OF JESUS!" **(A/N: I don't know if that's blasphemy or not. If it is, GOD DON'T SEND ME TO HELL!!!! PLEASE!!!)**

"Umm…"

Before she could finish, we were at Edward's funeral! Hey, how did we get her so fast? Oh right. Alice loves to take advantage of an event. Even if it is her own brother's funeral.

"NO EDDIE! DON'T DIE ON ME!" pleaded Bella.

"Oh, it was so much fun planning Edward's funeral! I mean it was kind of sad, but I like planning events! Didn't you have fun, Esme?" blurted Alice.

"SURE DID!"

Edward then rose out of the coffin and laughed an evil laugh! Muaauahahhahaha!!! He had a super awesome black cape! LIKE SUPER MAN! His hair was all slicked back and he talked in a funny accent! He looked like Dracula! Oh yeah, Drac and I go way back…

"Good evening. I vant to bit your neck!" he yelled in Bella's ear even though she was right next to him!

"I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK!" she yelled.

He then snapped back to reality, and started making out with Bella! It was very awkward.

"I THOUGHT YOU HIRED ME FOR A FUNERAL!" the priest complained.

Not wanting to disappoint the priest, I killed Rosalie and Charlie's hair grew back! Wow, how did that happen? I miss kelsey morgan cullen! I am going to find her.

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

Well, that's just great. Emmett made Edward cross the treaty line! Oh well. That's his problem. Emmett's commercial sucked! I don't think I'll withdraw! He had Hannah Montana, AKA Miley Cyrus, AKA, a spoiled brat, AKA ***, be in his commercial along with Vanessa Anne Hudgens! I am a little worried because he promised full access to Edward's mouth (And that includes EVERYONE including boys…) but then at the end, Edward told everyone to vote for me! Emmett then got mad at Edward, killed him, Alice suddenly planned a funeral in 5 seconds, Edward looked like a real vampire, Bella was resurrected from the dead, Edward almost bit Bella then snapped back to reality, they started making out, the priest complained, Emmett killed Rosalie and now I'm looking for diehardTWIhard. I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE! Where the hell is she? I don't have to worry about Emmett in the election, but I do have to worry about ME LOVEY JAZZY! I don't have to worry about John McCain or Barack Obama, because they aren't really that cool or hot. But ME LOVEY JAZZY is promising EDWARD! I need to promise more! I need to find diehardTWIhard.


	8. Francisco The Donkey!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or the world. That will change ONE DAY….**

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

Ok, I need to find kelsey morgan cullen! The last time I saw her, she was in jail! But, alas she escaped! PRISON BREAK! Ooh, I love that show! Anyways, I know just what to do!

_Outside Newton's Olympic Outfitters…_

I grabbed my big sign, and started searching for bystanders. Ooh, I see one!

"SIR!"

"AHH!"

"HAVE YOU SEEN THIS TEENAGER!?!?!"

"I'm blind."

"Oh, let me speak a little louder, _**HAVE YOU SEEN THIS TEENAGER!?!?!**_"

"Oh no! Now I'm blind AND deaf! Thanks a lot!"

"Don't mention it, Buddy!"

I walked up to a teenager drinking a strawberry slushy. Ooh, looks like blood. Maybe….

"HAVE YOU SEEN THIS TEENAGER?" I yelled, pointing to the picture.

"Um, no. Sorry."

"DON'T YOU PLAY GAMES WITH ME, MISTER!"

"I'm a girl."

"I happen to be running for President, and when I'm elected, you will rot in the fiery pits of Congress!"

"Now, you're just making me pissed."

"BLUEBERRIES!"

"Fine, you know what? I WILL RUN FOR PRESIDENT! When I'm elected, you will rot in the fiery pits of HELL!"

"The President can't do that. Only Charlie can!"

"No, I'm pretty sure the President can do that."

"Arg, me a pirate!"

"????"

"Anyway, you don't even have a name!"

"Yes, I do."

"WHAT IS IT!?!"

"It's Beware. Of. The. Cat!"

"That's a stupid name."

"Emmett's a stupid name."

"God, you don't gotta be so freakin' mean!" I shouted, dry sobbing.

OMC! I am DRY sobbing?!? Hmm, I got an idea! My lovely wife then walked in, looking sexy as usual.

"Um, Emmett?"

"Yes, Rose?"

"What are you doing?"

"I'm crying."

"Really? It looks like you're spraying yourself in the face with a hose."

"I am, since I can't actually "cry" I will substitute."

"Ok…. Good luck with that…"

"You knows it!"

Now, back to looking for my second wife, AKA kelsey morgan cullen.

"FOR THE BILLIONTH TIME, SHE IS NOT YOUR WIFE!" yelled Tedward.

"Oh yeah, well, you're a, um…."

"Ha, you don't even have a good comeback!"

"Oh yeah, um…. 108 YEAR OLD VIRGIN!"

"You promised you'd never call me that again!"

"WELL, I BROKE MY PROMISE!"

"Well, I guess I'll just have to break our most important promise ever."

"Oh GOD NO! DON'T TELL HER!"

"ROSALIE!"

"NO!"

Rosalie descended down the stairs gracefully, looking gorgeous! God, tonight will be so awesome when she….

"Yes, Edward?" she asked.

"I thought that you'd like to know this."

Oh god, I gotta act quick!

"Uh, Rose baby!" I yelled. "Why don't you and me go upstairs and-,"

"Not now, Em. Edward, you were saying?"

Ugh, I'm gonna be in so much trouble!

"Well," he started, again. "I thought that you'd like to know that in 1976, Emmett was the one who stole your car and filled it with pudding, not that annoying Billy kid next door."

"WHAT!?!??!" she screamed.

I had to defend myself!

"Rose, I can explain, baby!"

"Fine, explain then."

"Well, er, I did it out of love?" I said in question form.

"NO SEX FOR A WHOLE MONTH!"

"WHAT!?!??!??!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!??!?!??!?!?!" I yelled.

And then I passed out.

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

I was playing Guitar Hero with Alice, when I heard a loud thump. Alice and I rushed upstairs, to Emmett and Rosalie's room (I do not usually go up there because, well, I think you know why.) and there, on the floor, lay Emmett. Rosalie and Edward were splashing water on him, trying to get him up. Alice looked up to Rosalie and asked, "Rosalie, what happened?"

Rosalie then proceeded to tell how Edward told her a secret between Emmett and him, Rosalie then got mad, and banned "physical contact" for a month. Oh, now I see why.

"Emmett." I tried. "Emmett, buddy, wake up." I never thought I'd have to say that, what with us being vampires and not sleeping, let alone passing out.

"It's no use," Rosalie said. "We've tried everything." Oh my god! I can't believe this is happening! Who knew vampires could lose consciousness!?!? Ugh, I can't believe I'm going to do this. I took a deep breath and gave him CPR. EW, why does he taste like the bottom of a foot? Don't ask how I know. Emmett's eyes suddenly fluttered open, muttering something about Rosalie in a Cat woman costume. Shudder, I do not want to know.

"Oh, Rose, baby!" he groaned.

"Uh, Emmett?" I asked.

"AH!!!!!! WHATTHE HELL ARE YOU DOING, MAN? ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE OUT WITH ME!?!?"

"No, ew, you had passed out!"

"Yeah, uh-uh."

"I'm serious!"

"God, Alice, I'm so sorry for you!"

What the Hell?

"Emmett," she said. "He really was only trying to give you CPR."

"Alice, you're in denial. I can help."

Great, he thinks I'm gay.

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

Oh my God! Jasper's gay! I guess I passed out after Rosalie told me no sex, and when I woke up, JASPER WAS MAKING OUT WITH ME! I mean, I know he was a little girly, because only girls feel emotions, but I didn't think he went that way! Gosh, I wonder how Alice must feel. She's in denial. Poor, naïve Alice. Oh well, I have more important things to worry about, like the election. The only problem is, I need a VP and I need to find my assistant. AND I have to worry about Beware .Of. The .Cat! Well, one thing at a time. I guess I'll go find a VP!

_Somewhere in Forks…._

I know this guy; he's kind of an expert at politics.

"Knock! Knock!" I yelled, while knocking on the door. The door opened and there was my man for VP!

"Hey, Chief Swan!"

"Hello, erm, Derek."

"It's Emmett."

"Right…."

"Anyway, as you know, I'm running for president."

"I didn't know you were running for president."

"Really? I was on the news and everything."

"I do not remember a thing."

"Well, I needed a VP candidate and I was wondering-,"

"Ah, say no more! I'll do it!"

"Really?"

"Yeah, I needed a hobby besides fishing, and since I don't have a girlfriend-,"

"Yeah, yeah, I don't need a four hour lecture!"

"So, what do we do now?"

"Uh, we need to go to the place where they announce things!"

"Why?"

"A NEW CANDIDATE HAS ROSEN!"

We got to the place where they announce things to see that ME LOVEY JAZZY and Beware. Of. The. Cat had already chosen their VP candidates.

"So, ME LOVEY JAZZY," the dude in the striped pajamas said. "Your VP candidate is Seth Clearwater, is that correct?"

"YES!" she yelled before yelling loudly in German and whipping poor Seth.

"What was that for!?!??" Seth whimpered.

"Stille, dann wertlos mutt!"

"Silence, you worthless mutt!" translated her translator.

Then she started whooping his back until it was bleeding! Then she started to whip his flesh when it was raw! EW!

"Hitler ist mein Idol!" Whoa, this girl is nuts!

"Hitler is my Idol!" translated the girl with bad hair.

I wonder who Beware .Of. The. Cat's VP is!

"Now, Beware. Of. The .Cat, I understand that kelsey morgan cullen is you VP, right?" said the man in the striped pajamas.

WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!? My wife. MY WIFE! MY WIFE!?!?! HOW COULD SHE BETRAY ME?!? Her eyes met mine then, and she mouthed, "Sorry." In my direction.

"Yes, she is my VP candidate."

I said in a loud voice, "Charlie Swan!" Then, everybody started laughing at me, but I didn't care. I was far too mad at kelsey morgan cullen. I marched right up to her and demanded an explanation.

"Why, kelsey? I thought we had something special!"

"We DID. As in the past."

"Well, who are you dating now?"

"Bill Clinton."

"WHAT? He's married, you know."

"So were you when we were dating."

"Fine, I'm asking this for Jasper, my gay brother. Where is diehardTWIhard?"

"She's in Puerto Rico."

"Why?"

"She's been searching for Jasper, her husband."

"I'm sorry, but he's gay and married."

"WHAT?!?"

_In Puerto Rico…._

**diehardTWIhard's P.O.V.**

Where is Jazzy-per?!? I've been searching everywhere for him! Ooh, a donkey! I will name it Francisco!

"Hello, Francisco, the donkey!"

"Hee-haw."

"Let's look for Jazzy-per!"

"Hee-haw."

Jasper, oh how I miss you! I remember our wedding day like it was 2 weeks ago, because it was!

_Flashback_

"_Do you, diehardTWIhard take Jasper Whitlock Hale, to be your lawfully wedded husband. To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live?"_

"_I DO!"_

"_And do you, Jasper Hale, take diehardTWIhard, to be your lawfully wedded wife?To have have and to hold, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live?"_

"_MFMGMFMGMGFGG!" he yelled because of the duck-tape on his mouth._

"_Yes!" I answered in my best guy-voice._

"_Then I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the groom!"_

_End Flashback_

Aw, Jasper I miss you!

**Whoa, that was a long chapter! Sorry, I got a burst of inspiration, and the laptop was in my lap and Microsoft Word was right there….. Anyway, I need ideas! Review! And PLEASE MY TAKE MY POLL! IT CLOSES SATURDAY! REVIEW BECAUSE I KNOW JANE.**


	9. Larry King Live and Hitler's relative!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or my own room.**

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

Ugh, I still can't believe kelsey morgan cullen cheated on me with Bill Clinton! Pedophilia! Sigh, I guess I'll have to move on, focus on the election. Ooh, I wonder who will be my Secretary of State WHEN I'm elected. Hmm…. Billy Black.

"Are you serious, Emmett? Billy Black? Do you even know him that well?" asked Mr. Know-it-all. ) AKA Edward, AKA Eddie, AKA Tedward.

"I know he's awesome!"

"BUT HE'S JACOB'S DADDY!!"

"Your point…?"

"Ugh!" he said, punching a hole in the wall.

I ran to La Push to greet my future Secretary of State.

-Ding dong-

"HEY BILLY!"

"AH! VAMPIRE! THE TREATY HAS BEEN BROKEN!"

"Anyways, you wanna be my Secretary of State?"

"In out, in out, in out." He said, gasping for air.

Jacob came out of his room, scratched his ear with his foot, drank out of the toilet, ate some kibble, put on his flee collar, and came to the door.

"What-ruff-did-ruff-you-do-ruff-to-ruff-my-ruff-dad?-ruff"

"All I wanted was for him to be my Secretary of State!"

"He was gonna vote for Obama, not anymore since you gave him a heart attack like HARRY!"

"Who cares- wait a sec!"

"What-ruff?"

"DO YOU, JACOB BLEH BLACK, WANT TO BE MY SECRETARY OF STATE?"

"My-ruff-middle-ruff-name-isn't-ruff-bleh!"

"ANSWER THE QUESTION!"

"Well, I kinda got a girlfriend."

"Who is she, a poodle?" I crack myself up!

"NO! HER NAME IS BEL-,"

"YOU'RE STILL HOPEFUL! HA, THAT'S PATHETIC!"

"Shut up!"

"Anyway, do ya?"

"Sure. AH! YOU CROSSED THE TREATY LINE!"

"So? The treaty is screwed anyway."

"True."

**diehardTWIhard's P.O.V.**

WHERE ARE YOU JAZZY-PER?!?!?! I'VE BEEEN SEARCHING FOR YOU FOR 3 WEEKS! No matter, I will find you! I've searched: Brazil, Puerto Rico, Africa, France (DAMN FRENCH PEOPLE ARE MEAN!), Isle Esme (What's with the broken headboard?), Texas (Your dead Army friends say hi), and GERMANY! I'm not alone, I have Francisco the donkey!

"Francisco! We're gonna miss the plane to Iraq!"

"Hee-haw."

"Shut up!"

"Hee-haw."

"That's it!" I yelled before I killed him and had donkey stew.

Oh, no! Now who will I have to keep me company!? Ooh, a squirrel! I will name it Carlos. CARLOS THE SQUIRREL!

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

So Jacob is my future Secretary of State! I wonder what Edward will think….

"HEY, EDWARD!"

"What?"

"Do you like Jacob?"

"?????"

"ANSWER THE QUESTION!"

"Yeah, I just LOVE Jacob." He said, sarcastically.

"Oh, ok! I was worried you wouldn't like him!"

"(#((#(!)!(#$#$$!#!!!!!!##$!!!"

"DO YOU KISS BELLA WITH THAT MOUTH!!?!?!"

So Eddie is now going to Anger Management to work out his "issues". Now that I think about it, I don't really know what a Secretary of State is! I know, I'll ask Carlisle.

"Carlisle?"

"Yes, Emmett?"

"What is a secretary?"

"A secretary is an assistant who handles correspondence and clerical work for a boss or an organization."

"Uh-huh. And what's a state?"

"A state is the territory occupied by one of the constituent administrative districts of a nation."

"Thanks, Carl!"

"WTF?"

So, Jacob will be needing the proper gear for the job!

"JACOB BLEH BLACK! GET DOWN HERE!"

"Yes, Bl- I mean –Mosq- I mean- lee- I mean Emmett?"

"Here is your official secretary costume!"

"A mini-skirt?"

"Yeah, and lipstick!"

"Oh, ok!"

God, Jacob looks hot in- wait a minute! I'm not gay! Ooh, Edward looks so manly when he plays that piano- what the hell!?!!?!?

"So, boss, why do I have to-,"

"GOD, YOU'RE HOT!"

"What!?!?!?"

Rosalie then came in, looking oddly unattractive.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY, EMMETT CULLEN!!?!?" she screamed.

Oh, God, I'm in trouble.

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

So, Emmett still thinks I'm gay! Great. At least I got some news from him. My "wife" OH GOD ALICE STOP!) is searching for me somewhere in Iraq! I CAN'T GO THERE! There's a war going on! I know I'm indestructible, but I could put AMERICA at risk. I wonder what's going on with ME LOVEY JAZZY and Beware. Of. The. Cat. !?!?! Let's turn on CNN.

"…and that's why America is in a Recession. In other news, something shocking has been discovered. After weeks of clinical testing, it is proven that ME LOVEY JAZZY is in fact, related to Hitler. Here's what she had to say:

"Hitler ist mein beliebtesten Vorfahren! Er war wirklich inspirierend! Ich werde seinem Beispiel folgen WHEN I'M GEWÄHLTEN! GO Hitler!"

Translated into: "Hitler is my most loved ancestor! He was truly inspiring! I SHALL FOLLOW HIS EXAMPLE WHEN I'M ELECTED! GO HITLER!"

HA! That can't be good. Now, to turn on Larry King Live. What is he, 200? Beware. Of. The. Cat was on Larry King.

"And Beware. Of. The. Cat is with us today! So, Beware, can I call you Beware?"

"No."

"Ok… um, why should people vote for you?"

"Because, if they do, they won't die."

"…"

Uh-oh.


	10. But I thought he was dead?

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or a decent meal. (Our oven's broken.) **

**(A/N: Guess who made Emmett gay. It rhymes with Casper. Oh, and sorry for making Edward a little OOC.)**

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

Oh, no! I suddenly feel a strange attraction to Jacob and Edward! Not Rosalie. I need help. To the doctor!

-Outside a waiting room-

Hmm, it's boring here! I know, I'll read a magazine! OMG, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are going out!? Hmm, oh here's another magazine! Oh, they're NOT going out? God, these celebrities and their relationships!

"Mr. Cullen, the doctor will see you now."

That's me! I ran into the office to find Carlisle in his medical work clothes stuff.

"Emmett, what are you doing here?"

"I need a doctor for my brain!"

"You need a psychiatric doctor, I am a licensed physician."

Stupid Carlisle.

I waited in the Shrink's waiting room, reading yet ANOTHER magazine! OMG, 37 secrets of New Moon? What is that?**!)** Psh, these kids and their fads (*cough* obsession *cough*)

"Mr. Cullen, the Shrink will now see you."

I walked into a room smelling of tears and blood. There were tissues everywhere, and the seats were wet with salty tears.

"Ah, come in boy! Tell me your problems!"

This dude looks weird. Like Zac Effron.

"Hi, weird foreign dude!"

"Er, my name is Dr. Doofenheimer! But call me Heinz, like old friends."

"Ok, weird ketchup dude, are you gonna fix my noggin?"

"Well, we have to figure out the root of your problems."

"Huh?"

"We have to dig deep. Now, tell me about your childhood."

"Well…."

I then began to tell him everything. EVERYTHING.

_Six hours later…._

"…and then Carlisle said I was a depressing emo and-,"

"STOP! JUST STOP ALREADY! You clearly have mental issues far above my power to cure! GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR!"

Geez, he didn't have to be so darn mean!

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

Aw, I feel guilty. And not just because Edward's in the room with me and he's feeling guilty. I feel guilty because diehardTWIhard is out wasting her college money on hotels and planes looking for me! I wonder what Edward feels guilty about.

"Hey, Edward! I'm already in a guilty mood! GET OUT!"

"And I'm the moody one?!"

Ugh, I need someone calm. I know, I'll go find Carlisle!

_At the hospital…._

"Hey, Carl-,"

"No! Jasper, don't come in here!"

"Why?"

"Just don't come i-,"

But before he could finish his sentence, I walked in. I shouldn't have.

"I warned you!" he said, delivering a baby. One of the things I can't stand is pregnant women.

"YOU DID THIS TO ME!" a lady yelled to her poor husband.

"GET IT OUT!"

"I NEED DRUGS!"

PREGNANT WOMEN! TOO MANY EMOTIONS! GAH! AH!

"STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I yelled to the women with too many hormones!

They all just looked at me like I was a crazy person.

"Hey!-pant-it's-pant-that-pant-guy-pant-running-pant-for-pant-president!"

"Oh-pant-that-pant-guy-pant-is-pant-really-gives birth to boy- sexy!"

Hmm, I wonder….

"Yeah, um, I'm sexy! So, uh, vote for me!"

"OKAY!" they yelled. They yelled it a little too hard and they all gave birth at the same time to bouncing baby boys! Literally, the babies bounced out and landed on the floor.

**Edward's P.O.V.**

Stupid Emmett and Jasper. 'You have anger issues!' they say. 'You need professional help!' they say. I do not need help! I'm sane!

", the Shrink will now see you."

I saw some dude that looked weird like Daniel Radcliffe.

"Ah! Come in- wait a minute! Aren't you related to Emmett?"

"Er, yes?"

"GET OUT! GET OUT NOW!"

"OK! GEEZ!"

As I walked into the parking lot, a German voice beckoned me.

"Psst, hey you."

"Um, me?"

"Yeah, come here!"

"Er, may I ask why?"

"COME HERE!"

"FINE!"

"Yes, very good…."

"What do you want?"

"You are to be my evil minion!"

"OKAY! So, what do we need to do?"

"Go get me a flabbergasted squirrel named Carlos Jimmy Schemer Ton mcThousand!"

"WTF?"

"GO DO IT!"

"You're crazy."

"If you don't, I will have to tell the Daisies of Prudence to cancel your membership!"

"NO! NOT MY DAISIES OF PRUDENCE MEMBERSHIP!"

"Well, then you'll have to get my squirrel of ultimate power!"

"Fine, stupid, Hitler obsessed fan girl…" I muttered.

**diehardTWIhard's P.O.V.**

Ah, Carlos the squirrel. You fill the whole in my chest I had when I ran away from Jasper. You're like Jacob! But less ugly. **(A/N: Sorry, Jacob fans!) **

"Carlos, let's get married!"

"Chuck-chuck." **(A/N: Or whatever the sound squirrels make.)**

"I LOVE YOU!"

"Chuck-chuck."

"Oh, Carlos- waits a minute! EDWARD, WHERE ARE YOU TAKING CARLOS!?!?"

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

Oh God, the pregnant women are hormonal! They're like hormonally distressed! Oh, well. Time to go to yet another debate!

"ME LOVEY JAZZY, is it true that if you are elected, you will turn the White House into a big concentration camp?"

"Er weiß zu viel! Werfen Sie ihn in die Gaskammer!" (He knows too much! Throw him into the gas chamber!)

After ME LOVEY JAZZY's "assistants" dragged the dude in the striped pajamas away, a dude in some Barney boxers took his place.

"Ok, uh, Mr. Hale, what will you do about the economy?"

"I would give away tons of money because I am superty-duperty rich!"

"Cool, you got my vote!"

Just after he said that, ME LOVEY JAZZY burst through the walls of the debate place thing-y with a corpse, a squirrel, an electronic thing-y, and a dream.

"Ich, ME LOVEY JAZZY, wird dieses Eichhörnchen, das elektronische Gerät, Hitlers Leiche, und mein Traum, um Hitler wieder zum Leben zu erwecken! MUHHAHAHAUAHAUHA!" said ME LOVEY JAZZY . ("I, ME LOVEY JAZZY, will use this squirrel, this electronic device, Hitler's corpse, and my dream, to bring Hitler back to life! MUHHAHAHAUAHAUHA!")

She then started up the machine and placed Hitler on it. She got the squirrel and started to torture it to no end, and calling it mean names, like, um, poopie-face!

"JA! JA! ER lebt! HITLER LEBT! " (YES! YES! HE'S ALIVE! HITLER IS ALIVE!")

What could possibly go wrong?

**Hey peoples! I am totally psyched for school! Not. Anyways, since school will be starting, that means-gasp- I won't update as often! But, don't worry my peoples, I WILL update. I'll just have to do my homework during lunch and study hall so I can write after school. Also, I decided to do this thing where I ask you something, and you respond in reviews or PM! So: Do you think they should make sparkle in the sun Twilight posters? That'd be awesome! REVIEW!!!!!!!! **


	11. The Confetti States of Cullenmerica

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or the ability to skip puberty. (Darn puberty!)**

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

AH! EVIL DICTATOR ON THE LOOSE!

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

Oh my god. Uh, I'm kinda scared now. Hitler, a deranged, psycho, maniac is on the loose!

Even though he can't hurt us, he can still hurt Bella, and he could seriously end us up in another war, which would put a damper on a lot of things. I HAVE TO STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING! I know, I'll use my superty-duperty awesome-riffic Civil War Army training to stop him! Dun dun, dun dun dun dunn dun!

"ALICE!" I yelled, even though we have super-hearing and she was right next to me.

"WHAT?!"

"I am starting up an army of soldiers to stop the evil wrath of Hitler!"

"Ok…"

"YOU ARE THE FIRST ONE TO JOIN, PRIVATE!"

"EXCUSE ME? If I'm going to be in your little army charade, I want to be a Major."

"BUT I'M THE MAJOR!"

"SAYS WHO?"

"The dude who is now dead who promoted me!"

"NO SEX!"

"Fine, you'll be a Major…"

"YAY!"

Now to find more soldiers to join the Confetti States of Cullen-merica!

"BELLA!" I yelled to her while she and Edward were making out.

"Jasper, can we talk later? I'm kinda in the middle of something…."

"NONSENSE! NOW, GET YOURSELF TOGETHER AND MOVE OUT, SOLDIER!"

"WTF?"

"FINE! EDWARD! YOU ARE A PRIVATE IN THE CONFETTI STATES OF CULLEN-MERICA!"

"We were in the middle of something!" he whined.

"Make out later, we gotta stop Hitler!"

I just need to find out where Hitler is….

**diehardTWIhard's P.O.V.**

First Jasper, then Francisco the donkey, and now Carlos the squirrel! How come everything I love is stolen!?

"Ooh, a porcupine! I will name it Hulio the Porcupine!"

A few seconds after I named him, he got hit by a meteor. Of course. Anyway, I heard Jasper formed an army called the Confetti states of Cullen-merica! I bet he will need some help! I know just who to call.

"Hello?" a German voice answered.

"ME LOVEY JAZZY? I NEED YOUR HELP!"

"How so?"

"I need you to bring all of Jasper's Confederate Army friends back to life so he'll have more members for the Confetti States of Cullen-merica!"

"Oh, ok!"

After she said that, she bust through the wall with about 100 corpses and the electronic device.

"LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!"

"When did you start speaking English again?"

"When a number of readers were annoyed with my German."

"Oh."

She stuck the electronic device into the machine and it started to rattle like a rattle sake on cocaine.

"They're alive! YES! THEY'RE ALIVE!"

"Hey, isn't this story supposed to be about Jasper and Emmett running for president instead of a Hitler obsessed fan girl eager for world domination?"

"Yeah, but shadowgrave22 was high on sugar when she wrote most of this, so that's why."

"Uhhhh…." A zombie-confederate groaned.

"OMG, they're capable of speech!" I yelled.

"We better get these to Jasper, ASAP!"

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

Ugh, still no more members. Carlisle said and I quote, 'Er, Jasper, actually I gotta go to a meeting with a guy at a place away from here, so BYE!' Sigh, where will I ever find new members? Oh, that sounded a little dirty. I wonder what my wife is doing.

"I'm right here, Jasper." Alice said.

"No, I mean the short one."

"I'm right, here, Jasper." She repeated.

"The young one."

"**I'm right here, Jasper**."

"What are you talking about? You're like 110!"

"ARE YOU CALLING ME AN OLD WOMAN? DO THESE LOOK LIKE THE BREASTS OF AN OLD WOMAN?"

"I'm just saying-,"

"You know what? You're going into a room full of emo kids and pregnant women!"

"WHAT?!"

"And clinically depressed patients!"

"WTF?"

"DON'T YOU USE THAT LANGUAGE WITH ME, YOUNG MAN!"

"Young man?"

"That's right. If you're going to treat me like an old woman, I'm going to act like an old woman. GO CLEAN YOUR ROOM!"

"BUT WE'RE STILL GOING TO… YOU KNOW…. MAKE LOVE?"

"Why, Jasper! That is called Pedophilia! It is against the law!"

"FINE! YOU'RE NOT OLD!"

"Too late for apologies! I am now a General!"

Never call your wife old. After that little spat between Alice and I, I went to find new recruits for the Confetti States of Cullen-Merica. But before I went out, diehardTWIhard and ME LOVEY JAZZY came through the wall like they were ice cream or something.

"WTF? What are you doing here?"

"I came back to my husband, Jasper." Said diehardTWIhard. "I've missed you."

"Ok, what is ME LOVEY JAZZY doing here?"

"She's carrying the Confederates and a few Union men. And I think she went overboard with the whole thing and brought back some Red-Coats and Germans and Japanese."

"So, she brought back soldiers from different wars, just so I could have some members? Oh, that sounded dirty."

"Yes, and could you tell Emmett kelsey morgan cullen is here to see him? She's really guilty."

"Sure."

Beware. Of. The. Cat. then started dancing the Macarena and eating horse guts while singing "Dixie."

"What the duck, when did you get here?"

"When I saw how cool your house is and how hot Edward is."

"Oh. Enjoy yourself!"

"YOU KNOW IT!"

Son of a guy named Mitch, I need to find Hitler!

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

Kelsey morgan cullen's here? YAY! I ran outside to give her a big hug!

"KELSEY! I MISSED YOU!"

"Er, I'm just here to borrow your sugar."

"Ohhhh…." I said while kissing her.

"NOT THAT SUGAR! I am baking a cake for my and Bill Clinton's wedding!"

"WTF? That's pedophilia!"

"Said the man whose brother was born in 1901 dating a girl born in 1988."

"It's not the same!"

"Said the man whose brother was born in 1843 married to a girl born in 1901."

"IT'S NOT THE SAME!"

"Said the man whose father was born in the 1600's married to woman born in the 1900's."

"IT'S NOT THE FREAKIN SAME!"

"Shut up."

"WTF?"

"Look, just freakin sugar me."

"WE DON'T HAVE ANY FRIGGIN SUGAR, WE DON'T EAT!"

"Anorexic."

"WHAT?

"GET OUT!"

"IT'S MY HOUSE!"

"No it's not."

"Oh, ok."

Hey, wait a minute!

**WOWSERS! So sorry if anything was TOO weird for you, I just had like a bucket a sugar. Ok, round two! Oh, that sounded dirty. QUESTION OF THE WEEK: Do you think I should let Emmett and kelsey morgan cullen back together? Oh, and uh, REVIEW!**


	12. We're Going Green!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. If I did, someone besides Irina would've died in Breaking Dawn. *cough* Tanya *cough* Oh and BTW, I like German, so ME LOVEY JAZZY will still be speaking German.**

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

If only I could join you there in the air. Floating free, without a care! I wish I could fly, and see things with a different eye! If I could fly, so very high, and touch the sky, and never have to wonder why it is, that I can't fly! Man, Spongebob can sing it! Anyway, Jasper's gotta get rid of these zombies! It's really creepy! I mean, some have no heads or limbs! And they hang out in the living room, so I see them everyday! I wonder what the rest of the family is doing.

"Hey, Edward! Whaddya doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing!? I'm protecting Bella from the Confederate-zombies!"

"Ok, Bella, what are you doing?"

"Eating a candy bar."

After Edward finished beating up the zombies, he yelled, "Bella! You know you can't eat sugar!"

"Why not?" I asked.

"She gets really hyper, and starts going crazy!"

"How?"

"The sugar gives her a sugar-rush."

Hmm, I wonder…

_Three Hours Later…_

After I bought the candy, I went into the mountains to look for the Grizzly bears. Ooh, there's one!

"Hi, there! Want a snack?" I asked.

"Grr."

"I thought so."

I extended my hand so the bear could eat the candy. It started twitching and shaking violently until it stopped and he looked like he was sleeping! I bit into the bear, and started going crazy! BLOOD SUGAR-RUSH!

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

Emmett's going crazy! He says he's having a blood sugar-rush. He's right about the how the Confederates are kinda creepy; they're hitting on our wives and Bella! See, I'll show you!

"Ung! Do you wanna show me your skirts?!" a Confederate yelled.

"Ah! GET AWAY FROM ME!" shouted Esme.

"Uhh! Ride on my horse with me!" said another.

"Ew, get away from me, you freak!" spat Rosalie.

"UH!!! PRETTY!"

"GO AWAY! I KNOW KARATE!" yelled Alice.

"Ungh! You sure are perty!"

"AH! AH! AH! EDWARD SAVE ME! SAVE ME!!!" screamed Bella. Chicken.

Anyway, back to the election! Now that diehardTWIhard is back, I have an assistant again! An assistant who forcefully made me sign the wedding certificate.

"diehardTWIhard! What should we do now?"

"Hmm, we should definitely take our honeymoon in France; I would love to see-,"

"FOR THE LAST TIME! I WANT A DIVORCE!"

"NEVER!"

"Fine, but I meant what should we do for the election?"

"Ooh, let's save the Earth!"

"You mean, like go green?"

"Huh? No, I meant you could put on TIGHTS and-,"

"Yeah! LET'S GO GREEN!"

"But what about the tights…?"

Ok, this looks like a job for the Confetti States of Cullen-merica!

"SOLDIERS! Stop HTTING ON OUR LADIES AND GET TO WORK!"

"Uhng! But the ladies sure are perty!" said General Lee.

"Well, they're taken! So stop!"

"Fine, what do we have to do?"

"WE HAVE TO GO GREEN!"

"Ok, whatever you say."

Hmm, I wonder how this will turn out.

_4 hours later…_

I better go check on them- WTF?!?!?

"SOLDIERS! EXPLAIN YOURSELVES!"

"You said we had to go green!"

"I didn't mean go get markers and paint and color yourselves GREEN!"

"God, make up your mind."

So, the soldiers are good company, but really dumb. Probably due to the fact that squirrels and bugs ate most of their brains over the years.

I sighed and said, "Alright, what I meant was to- you know what never mind. I'll save you for something important."

I guess I'll have to go green myself.

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

HAAHAHAHAH! HAHAHAHA!! BLOOD SUGAR-RUSH!!!!AHAHAHA!!! CRAZY!!! OOH! A SQUIRREL! I WILL NAME IT JAMES! All of a sudden, Edward came out of nowhere and killed James the squirrel!

"Dude, WTF?! You killed my pet squirrel!"

"First of all, it had rabies. Second of all it was named James. And third of all, it was infected with the Swine Flu!"

"SO! *sob* It was *sob* my best *sob* friend!"

"You knew it for three seconds."

"JUST SHUT UP! Your, uh, your, er, STUPID! YEAH! STUPID!"

"Oh, my feelings are so hurt." He said, sarcastically.

Gasp, I gotta go get a new assista-friend!

"HEY! YOU!"

"Me?"

"Yeah, er, you!"

"What?"

"Come here!"

"Uh, ok."

The girl walked over smelling of grass and bugs. EW.

"What?"

"You have a big body."

"STOP THROWING ROCKS AT MY SELF-ESTEEM!" **(A/N: My dad and I actually had this conversation.)**

Ok, do not tell girls they are big. Bad idea. HOW WILL I EVER FIND AN ASSISTANT!?

-ring ring-

"Hello?"

"Emmett? This is KelseyMorganCullen. We need to talk."

"Ok, talk."

"In person."

"Ok, meet me at Chuck E. Cheese's tonight at 7:00."

"Ok."

OMG! MAYBE SHE DUMPED BILL FOR ME!

_Seven o'clock that night…_

"KELSEY! KELSEY! WHERE FOREART THEE?!"

"Emmett, I'm right next to you."

"OH!!!!! So, er, whaddya want to talk to me about?"

"I want you…"

"Yes?"

"To be…" BE HER HUSBAND!!?!

"Uh-uh. Go on."

"The one…" to spend eternity with?!

"To give me away at my wedding."

"WTF!?!?!?! BILL IS NO GOOD FOR YOU! HE WILL CHEAT ON YOU!"

"Yeah, but almost everyone except Carlisle & Esme and Edward & Bella is cheating on their mates."

"But-,"

"If you really love me, you will do this for me."

"Fine, but I'm only doing this because I need an assistant."

"Ok, so I thought you should give away clothes to homeless children to get more votes."

"Sure, whatever you say."

_At the homeless shelter…_

"…and I care about homeless whales and endangered children! So, er, vote for me!"

The lady who runs the homeless shelter came up to give a boring lecture on clothes and homelessness.

"…and we are so grateful for the clothes Emmett has donated. Emmett, you have my vote! Now, er, Mr. Emmett will kindly hand out the clothes."

"OK, KIDDIES! STEP RIGHT UP TO MR. MAGNORIUMS WONDER EMPORIUM!"

"Dude, this guy is a ***." I heard a kid say.

"GASP! OH NO YOU DI'IN'T!" I yelled.

"You're gay."

"THAT'S IT!" I screamed, and punched him with all my strength. He started twitching and red oozed out of his head and he fell to the ground and started sleeping.

"KelseyMorganCullen! Let's get out of here!"

Hmm, I wonder what Jazzy-per is doing.

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

I need to find out where Hitler is! I know, I'll make a tracking device!

"diehardTWIhard, Beware. Of. The. Cat! I need your help!"

"Why should I help you?" questioned Beware. Of. The. Cat. "I'm your opponent."

"Er, I'm hot!?"

"Good point! What do you want us to do?"

"Make me a tracking device so I know where ME LOVEY JAZZY and Hitler are."

"You got it!"

Uh-oh, where are the Red-coats?

"STUPID AMERICAN! LIBERTY SUCKS!" yelled a Red-coat.

"God, you don't gotta be so freaking mean!" Said Emmett.

"JASPER! WE MADE IT!" yelled diehardTWIhard.

"Cool- what the Hell is this?"

"It's a tracking device."

"It's made out of sugar and chocolate."

"We wanted you to have a tasty treat!"

"IDIOT, I'M A FRIGGIN VAMPIRE!"

"SHH! THE BABY CAN HEAR YOU!"

"WTF? You're not pregnant."

"Yeah, but I like to pretend I am with your child."

"Ok… Will this device really work?"

"Sure it will! NOW GO! STOP UPSETTING THE BABY!"

Ooh, it's beeping! It says Hitler and ME LOVEY JAZZY are right about here!

"SAY YOUR PRAYERS, ME LOVEY JAZZY and Hitler!" yelled Beware. Of. The. Cat in a Union army General uniform.

"Hey, if you have the General uniform, what is General Grant wearing?"

"His Birthday Suit."

"Ok, ew, um, WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED! DO NOT TRY TO ESCAPE!" I shouted.

"Sie wird nie aufhören, uns!" screamed ME LOVEY JAZZY. (You will never stop us!)

"WIR die Welt!" yelled Hitler. (We will rule the world!)

"NEVER!" I shouted. I charged at like a hundred zombie soldiers. The Confederates, the Yankees, and all the other dudes worked together!

"Nein!" yelled ME LOVEY JAZZY. (No!)

"YES! AND NOW, WE WILL GO TO MY HOUSE FOR PIZZA AND ICE CREAM AND BLOOD FOR ME!"

"YOU WAIT AND SEE! WE WILL GET OUR REVENGE!" yelled ME LOVEY JAZZY.

WHEN WILL IT END?!?

**I know, it's not as exciting as the other chapters. Maybe it's because my mom bought reduced fat ice cream and I need all the sugary goodness to write my chapters! Oh, question of the chapter: Do you think the zombie-soldiers are getting a little creepy?**


	13. Not My No No Area!

**Disclaimer: Obviously I am not SM. I am merely an eleven year old girl spending her Summer Vacation on the internet because her BFF is visiting her deported Grandpa in Mexico!!!!!!!! Don't ask how he got deported…long story… **

**Oh crap, its 11:17 P.M. right now, and I gotta be quiet while typing. My internet time isn't supposed to go over 10:30 P.M. Oh, and thanks ME LOVEY JAZZY. My mom let me get normal ice cream after reading my story and seeing how I need sugar to write. Bad news, I got a stomach-ache after eating the last brownie, TOO MUCH SUGAR! CAN'T SLEEP!**

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

Oh, yeah! This pizza/ice cream/blood party is the bomb! I wonder if ME LOVEY JAZZY really meant it when she said she would get revenge. I better go find diehardTWIhard for some ideas on how to go green.

"COURTNEY!"

"Yes, my dear husband, the love of my life, the reason for my being?"

"…"

"Ok, what?"

"I need more ideas on how to go green!"

"Hmm, well we could, uh, we could have a DANCE PARTY!"

"How will that help?"

"The lights on the dance floor will be Solar Powered!"

"OK!"

ME LOVEY JAZZY and Hitler then rose out of the floor like magic.

"Whoa, how the Hell did you do that!?"

"Hitler knows a guy."

I looked at him like he was a maniac. (Which he was.)

"Wenn Sie fragen, ich werde dich in die Gaskammer." (If you ask, I will throw you into the gas chamber.)

"Anyway, what are you guys doing here?" I asked.

"We wanna party, too!" responded ME LOVEY JAZZY.

"Well, this party is for Hitler haters only."

"Lassen Sie uns, oder ich schießen Sie mehrere Male in die Herzen und lassen Sie die in den Straßen." Said Hitler. (Let us party or I'll shoot you several times in the heart and leave you to die in the streets.)

"HAHA! I'm a super-cool awesome vampy who can't die!" I yelled. Oops. After I ACCIDENTLY slipped the secret, the Volturi showed up.

"JASPER HALE! YOU HAVE REVEALED OUR SECRET! YOU MUST DIE BY MY HANDS OF COOLNESS!" announced Cauis.

"Dude, how do pronounce your name?"

"What?"

"Your name, it's like really hard to pronounce."

"Er, you say it like Cauis. Does that help?"

"No."

"Well, it doesn't matter anyway! YOU MUST DIE!"

Just when the evil Cauis was about to kill me, superty duperty Aro saved me!

"OMG, Cauis! Why do you gotta be so mean! TREAT HIM LIKE A PUPPY UNICORN!"

"Shut up, Aro. No one wants to hear you run your mouth, Mr. Happy Face. Why are you even a vampire? You should be something happy and annoying like, uh, an elf!" said Cauis.

"GOD! IT'S NOT MY FAULT I GOT BITTEN BY A DERANGED MANIAC! I THOUGHT IT WAS A DOGGY SO I DECIDED TO PET IT AND ALL OF A SUDDEN MY NO-NO AREA STARTS HURTING AND THREE DAYS LATER I'M A VAMPY!"

"Who cares?" said Marcus writing emo poetry.

All of a sudden Jane starts looking at me and my no-no area starts hurting!

"AH! AH! MY NO-NO AREA!"

"He-he. I'm evil."

"Why don't you just go to Alabama so you can legally be married to your brother, Alec?"

"Shut up, or else I'll make your no-no area hurt again."

"Why isn't Alec talking? And if you look in the mirror will you be in pain?"

"Because I don't want him to. And shut up."

"What is he, your slave?"

"…"

Ha, that's funny! Alec's being bossed around by a girl!

"Who cares?" Marcus sighed, TRYING and failing to cut his wrists.

"Help Me." Mouthed Alec, who was chained to Jane's wrist.

"MY NAME IS DEMETRI! I'M REALLY GOOD AT HIDE AND SEEK!"

"Shut up, Demetri. Nobody cares about you. In fact we all want to kill you."

"Burn!"

Demetri then started a game of Hide-and-Seek with Emmett, and Emmett lost.

"Damn, how do you that?" asked Emmett.

"CAN WE PLEASE GET BACK TO THE MURDERING JASPER PART!?" shouted Cauis.

"Who cares?" Marcus replied.

I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! Well, not really, since I'm over a hundred years old, BUT STILL! I got a wife and no kids! Except in my mind when I'm a father to two twin boys named Jasper 1 and Jasper 2.

"WAIT! YOU CAN'T KILL ME!"

"And why not?" Cauis asked.

"Because if you kill me, there will be no dance party!"

"Hmm, fine. But we wanna dance, too!"

"Fine."

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

Man, Demetri's good at Hide-and-Seek! I wonder how he does it. Thanks to Jasper, we have to invite Hitler, ME LOVEY JAZZY, and the Volturi to the dance party! The Guard just stood outside the house, stalking us.

"OK! MY TURN!" yelled Aro. Oh, no. He mustn't be serious!

He then started to do the Moon-Walk and then started saying, "He-he!" We all just looked at him.

"What? Isn't that what you kids do these days?" We said nothing.

"Mein wiederum imbacels." Said Hitler. (My turn, imbacels.)

He then magically looked like Eminem and started Rapping in German. He looked so cool, and he was an awesome dancer!

"GO! HITTY!! GO HITTY! It's your birthday, it's your birthday!" yelled the zombies while dancing "Thriller."

Man, this dude can dance!

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

After the party, Beware. Of. The. Cat. showed up with Charlie and Jacob.

"Are we too late for the party?" they all asked.

"Yeah, sorry. But, uh, Jacob we wouldn't have invited you anyway, and Charlie you're too old to party."

"You suck, Jasper Hale."

"Shut up!"

When he wouldn't shut up, I punched him in the face and he started crying like a baby. I then went to check the mail.

"Bill, bill, bill. Bill Clinton, and- wait what?"

_You have been cordially invited to attend the wedding of Bill Clinton and KelseyMorganCullen. Celebrate the bonding of these two in holy matrimony. Presents wanted: lingerie, milkshakes, and a whole lot of chocolate._

Dude, Emmett's gonna flip.

"EMMETT! GET DOWN HERE!" I called.

"What?"

"Mail for you."

After about an hour of TRYING to read it, I just read it to him.

"WHAT!?!?! I thought she was kidding about marrying him! I can't believe this is happening!"

"On the bright side, you can always go back to Rosalie!"

"I DON'T WANT ROSALIE! I WANT KELSEY MORGAN CULLEN!"

Jacob then came down and slapped Emmett.

"I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING!" he yelled and packed his purse.

I looked at Emmett.

"I have no idea either." Was all he said.

**Thanks again, ME LOVEY JAZZY. Regular chocolate ice cream does just the trick. Oh, QUESTION OF THE CHAPTER: When the Twilight fad ends, will you still be obsessed with it? Oh, REVIEW! REVIEW! *SOBS BECAUSE NO ONE IS REVIEWING***


	14. Operation: Kill Bill

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. If I did, Jacob would've ended up with Leah, and Renesmee with Nahuel.**

**KelseyMorganCullen, you may or may not be rich, but let's just pretend you are.**

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

Gasp, KelseyMorganCullen wasn't kidding!? I must stop this wedding.

_Outside of Bill Clinton's House…_

-knock knock-

A 20 something old girl answered the door dressed in lingerie with a sheepish grin plastered onto her face.

"Yes?" she asked, lazily.

"Oh, er, excuse me. Is this the right address? I'm looking for the Clinton address."

"Yeah, that's it."

"Are you Bill's daughter?"

"Hell, no! I'm his mistress."

"But he's engaged!" I gasped.

"Yeah, what's your point?"

"Oh, never mind! Is Bill here?"

"Yeah, hold on. BILL!"

Bill came down in only boxers, which I might add were designed for 4 year olds.

"Oh, who's this?" he asked.

"I am Emmett Dale McCarty Cullen."

"Ohhh! You're that dude running for President! I'm assuming you're here for tips?"

"Psh, no. If I win I wanna be nothing like you."

"Burn!"

"Anyway, I wish to ask you something important."

"Why are you so formal?"

"Fine. Ahem! Yo, brada! I was sayin' dat I want yoo to break up wit KelseyMorganCullen." (Hello, brother. I was saying that I want you to break up with KelseyMorganCullen)

"Excuse me? No,brada! Kelsey gonna gimme lots of dough when she kicks da bucket!" (No, brother!" Kelsey's going to give me lots of money when she DIES!)

"Er, she's actually too young too die. She's not even old yet!"

"Oh! No, I was going to kill her as soon as we got to the hotel and say it was suicide."

"You were going to kill her!??!"

"Yes."

"I must report you to the police."

"If you do, I will sabotage your campaign."

"How so?" I asked.

"Well, let's just say I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a girl who knows a tranny who knows a monkey whose owner is really good with the computer and can make it look like you murdered that kid at the homeless shelter."

"Psh, that kid was fine! Just some permanent brain damage and he got his left leg amputated!"

"Don't tell KelseyMorganCullen."

"Fine."

I was gonna find another way. I know just who to call.

-Ring ring-

"Hallo?" (Hello?)

"Hitler, I need your help."

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

I am in such a happy mood! YAY! I was watching the news, and I'm in the lead! Probably because I'm going green! I wonder what else I should do.

"TIME FOR ANOTHER DEBATE!" exclaimed diehardTWIhard.

"Hey, when did you get here?!"

"Oh, er, I kinda moved into Edward's room."

"WHAT!?!"

"Don't worry! Edward and Bella were forcefully kicked out first."

"That's not nice."

"Who said I was nice?"

Ugh, I hate debates! They are so boring! But, as a presidential candidate, I must attend.

_Outside the place where debates are held…_

I hate debates, I hate debates, and I hate debates! Did I mention I hate debates? Sure, they start out normal, but then a dude in some gay suit asks the questions and I give perfectly good answers but NO!!!!!! No, Emmett gives some stupid answer that stupid people like stupid Emmett gives stupidly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did I mention Emmett's stupid!?!!? And at the end ME LOVEY JAZZY probably's gonna whip Seth or something. Poor Seth.

"Testing, testing, 123. Ok, uh, we're ready to begin." The dude in the striped pajamas said. Wait, isn't he supposed to be dead?

"Ok, we are starting!"

"You already said that." I pointed out.

"Your mom." He said. Oh no he di'in't! Esme then came out and-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~SCENE REMOVED~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Esme's eyes were then bright red for the next two weeks.

**Back to the story….**

Ok, er, Esme is scaring me now. Anyway, when the dude in the striped pajamas was murdered, uh, I mean, "Went to a better place" a dude in a gay defender costume came out and asked the questions.

"Ok, we are starting with you, Miss ME LOVEY JAZZY."

"Ok."

"Um, oh, uh, yes, Miss ME LOVEY JAZZY, are you gonna kill everybody once you're president?"

"Meine Awälte gesagt, ich kann diese Frage nicht beantworten." (My lawyers said I can't answer that question.)

"Ok, I guess it's Mr. Hale's turn. Mr. Hale, why aren't you aging? You look very young to be 35." Uh-oh. Carlisle warned me about this.

"Er, I got Botox?"

"Good enough for me."

"Mr. Cullen, your question is-," the question was then interrupted by the screams of poor Seth being whipped in his no-no area. Well, what was left of it anyway.

"Your question is-," Seth started screaming again.

"Your question-,"

"AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH!"

"You'reQuestionIsWhyAreYouInLoveWithAMinor!?!?!" he said in one breath. (Why are you in love with a minor?)

"Er, age is but a number?"

"Good enough for me."

"Beware. Of. The. Cat. your question is why do enjoy eating horse guts?"

"They're magically delicious!" she answered.

"Mind if I try some?"

"Yes."

**Hitler's P.O.V. (I assume most of you don't know German, so I'm putting it in English)**

I was watching High School Musical and was at the part where it looked like Sharpay was going all nice but she really wasn't when I got a phone call.

"Hallo?"

"Hitler, I need your help."

"How so?"

"I need you to-gulp- kill Bill." (I hate the movie Kill Bill)

"Why?"

"He's gonna kill Kelsey!"

"Eh, why not?"

"Thanks!"

KILLING IS FUN!

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

Oh no, why am I feeling waves of insanity coming from Emmett? Usually it's waves of lust. Huh, I guess the debate went pretty good, as far as debates go. Except for the part where Esme-

*Lawyer shows up*

"Mr. Hale, I advise you not to speak of this."

*Lawyer goes away*

Yup, the debate went pretty well. I wonder what ME LOVEY JAZZY is doing. Speak of the devil, and the devil shall appear.

"What are you doing here, ME LOVEY JAZZY?"

"I wanted some sugar."

"We don't eat."

"I didn't mean that kind of sugar." She said before she pulled me into a breathtaking kiss, though I didn't need air. She almost quite literally glued her mouth to mine, and tried to take off my shirt! Damn, these girls are crazy!

"DUDE, I THOUGHT YOU HATED ME!"

"Why would you think that, Jasper?" she breathed.

"I'M MARRIED TO TWO LOVELY LADIES!"

"What. Did. You. Say?"

"Shut up."

"Fine, be that way!"

"I WILL BE THAT WAY!"

"WE'RE OVER!"

"WE NEVER STARTED!"

"Ouch, burn!"

I need some security guards. diehardTWIhard said I am sexy, do you think so?

**Seth's P.O.V.**

AH! MY NO-NO AREA!

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

I was kinda nervous, doing this. I haven't killed anybody in a long time, but this was going to be for good, right? A killer of a killer. I was beginning to think this over… Eh, who cares?

"HITLER! WE GOTTA LEAVE SOON!"

"Warten! Ich möchte, dass bis zum Ende gerade dieses YouTube-Video! "

"YouTube? What are you watching?"

He didn't answer, he just kept singing, "I'm so happy, cuz I'm a gummy bear, gummy bear!"

"Hitty! When we get back, we can have ice cream!"

"The chocolate kind?"

"OMG, you learned how to speak English!"

"Yeah!"

We got into Hitler's tank, and drove to the church where the wedding was being held. Oh crap, I forgot I was supposed to give Kelsey away at her wedding. Eh, who cares? Hitler and I got on our disguises (Well, I did. Hitler disguised himself as Hitler.) I disguised myself as Kellan Lutz.

"…speak now, or forever hold your peace."

"I OBJECT!" I yelled as loud as I could.

"OMG, is that Kellan Lutz?"

"Is that Hitler?"

"AH! HITLER!"

"Emmett! You were supposed to be here two hours ago! I just made my dad give me away." How can she love BILL!?!!?!

"HITTY, NOW!" I yelled.

Hitler then got the rope and duck-tape and tied Bill Clinton up. We then masked his face with the tape, and stuffed him into a suitcase.

"I LOVE YOU KELSEY!" I screamed before I went to the gun shop.

**Oh, my. That was…weird… I just wanted to say: THANKS MY PEOPLE! You have given me 59 reviews! Jasper for the Presidency is my most popular story! I haven't gotten this many reviews since I wrote that story about Jacob dying… which caused a lot of mean words, so I deleted it… REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! I am feeling giddy today, so TWO questions of the chapter: Should I end Jasper for the Presidency in chapter 20? (I was gonna make it at least 30) and: Did you cry when you read New Moon? (I did, at first I cried but then I got angry at Edward and ripped up my picture of him, and yelled at the book and became Team Jacob, but then he came back and I read Eclipse so I ripped up my picture of Jacob for assaulting Bella. REVIEW OR I WILL MAKE YOUR NO-NO AREA HURT.**


	15. The Amish Are Vicious!

**Disclaimer: I was speaking to Stephenie Meyer yesterday, and she said people who don't eat their vegetables can't own Twilight, alas I do not own Twilight.**

**BTW, if you already haven't figured it out, whenever a character says, "I was in the middle of something…" it means they were making out or something. And I assume you know who the Amish are? Well, they are people in the 21****st**** century who live like they are in the 1600s because they think technology is from the devil. I am not criticizing the Amish, so no offense to Amish people! Oh, wait. They don't use the internet. **

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

He-he. This is gonna be fun! After Hitler and I kidnapped Bill from the wedding, we stuffed him in a suitcase filled with push-pins. I was going to the gun shop, but I decided shooting him was a little extreme. So we decided to do something else. What you ask? Let's just say it has something to do with La Push. And a cliff. And sharks. **(A/N: I know there are probably no sharks in La Push, but let's pretend there are!)**

"Hitler, are you ready!?"

"Bereit werden kann!" (Ready as I'll ever be!)

"Ok! 1…2…3… NOW!"

I laughed as Hitler threw the suitcase off the cliff and into the shark infested waters! YAY! MURDER IS FUN!

"YES! WE DID IT!"

"Yeah, the thrill wears off when you've killed so many people."

"Er, maybe you should stick to speaking German. You sound funny speaking English."

"Meanie."

Huh, I wonder what I'll do now. Ooh, I'll go see KelseyMorganCullen!

_At KelseyMorganCullen's House…_

-Knock knock-

"Emmett! YOU CAME BACK!"

"YAY! NOW WE CAN WE TOGETHER FOR FOREVER AND ETERNITY!"

"Eh, no. I'm engaged to Abraham Lincoln."

"HE'S DEAD!"

"Well, ME LOVEY JAZZY had that machine and…"

"UGH! WHY DO YOU HAVE A THING FOR OLD DUDES!?"

"I dunno. Ask the author."

I wonder how I'm doing in the election! I bet I'm doing sooo well. I mean, I gave homeless whales clothes and I care about endangered children! Or is it the other way around?

"…and ME LOVEY JAZZY killed all of them with her machete. Poor pre-schoolers. In other news, the presidential election is heating up! Presidential candidate Jasper Hale is in the lead, followed by Emmett Cullen, ME LOVEY JAZZY, then Beware. Of. The. Cat in last place. Maybe Beware. Of. The. Cat would get more votes if she stopped eating horse guts."

Gasp, only SECOND place!? I must find another way!

"Jasper, oh Jasper!"

"What do you WANT Emmett?" he said while coming out with no shirt on.

"I need to ask you something!"

"Can it wait? I was in the middle of something…"

"NO! IT IS FAR TOO IMPORTANT!"

"Fine, what is it?"

"DROP OUT OF THE RACE!"

"No."

"Jerk."

I wonder what I should do now. I'll call my assistant.

-Ring ring-

"Emmett, what do you want? I was playing twister!"

"I need options!"

"Oh God… Er, let's go to an Amish village!"

"Why?"

"I saw it on Glenn Martin DDS and thought it would be fun!"

"Ugh, fine!"

I don't wanna go to an Amish village!

"I'm here!" yelled KelseyMorganCullen.

"Yeah- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING?"

"Emmett! We are going to an Amish village, therefore we must dress accordingly."

"I look ridiculous in old time-y clothes!"

"Well, actually I was going through some family photos and you looked FINE in those spandex shorts from the 80's…"

"I thought I told Alice to burn that photo!"

"She made like 80 copies!"

Remind me to kill Alice.

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

I can't believe Bill Clinton was murdered! I mean, I could so Bill getting murdered, but I just thought his wife would do it. I wonder what I should do today! I wanna take a break from the election today, it's so hard! Maybe I'll hang out with Emmett. My cell phone started ringing and the caller ID said it was Emmett. Freaky how he does that.

"Hey, Em. What's up?"

"Jasper, I need your help!"

"What!? What happened?! Are the Volturi coming!?! Is it Victoria!?!"

"Hell, no! KelseyMorganCullen invited all the presidential candidates to an Amish village for a day, and I think I would feel more comfortable if you came, too!"

"Eh, why not?"

"Thanks, Jazz! You're the best!"

"I know."

I wonder how this will turn out.

_The next day…_

After I packed my things for the village, I got into Alice's Porsche and went to meet up with Emmett there. I could see some corn surrounding the village, and it looked as if I went back in time to the 1600's. Carlisle should've came with us!

"JASPER!" yelled Emmett fifty feet away and ran to give me a big hug. If I were human, I would be dead from the impact.

"Emmett! Get off of me NOW!"

"Geez, I'm just happy to see you!"

"Why?"

"ME LOVEY JAZZY is mad at me for stealing Hitler away."

"You don't wanna get mad with ME LOVEY JAZZY. Trust me."

"I kinda figured that out when she made Rose dress in-gulp- sweats!"

"Eh, you'll live. Hey some Amish dudes are coming!"

Some dudes with funny looking beards came up to us, looking at us like we were to be scolded.

"Greetings Englishmen." Said the one with glasses.

"Hello, er, my name is Jasper Hale. This is my brother Emmett Cullen."

"Pleased to meet you. I'm Jedidiah Fisher and this is my brother Heckiciah Beiler."

"So, do you mind if we, uh, spend the day and night over here?"

"Not at all. But we will have to make a few changes to you…" said Jedidiah.. They ran to our cars with hammers and saws and started beating the crap outta them! WTF?!?!?!?!? ALICE IS GONNA KILL ME! They then started to rebuke the Satan's curse from the cars and shunned the cars and burned them!!!!! I might as well, start writing my Will.

"There." Said Heckiciah.

"DUDE! WHAT DID YOU DO TO OUR CARS!?!?!? OUR WIVES ARE GONNA KILL US!"

"We were simply chasing the devil's scent away from our village." ME LOVEY JAZZY and Hitler then arrived in a modest Amish buggy with a horse pulling it. Well, it looked like a horse from far away. Up close you could tell it was one of the werewolves, Seth to be exact. Every time he slowed down, ME LOVEY JAZZY would whip his no-no area. He needs to see a doctor about Reconstructive surgery for his no-no area.

"Ah, I am guessing these are your friends Emmett told me about." Said Jedidiah.

"Yes, that's ME LOVEY JAZZY, and that's Adolf Hitler."

"ADOLF HITLER!!?!?!?"

"He's harmless."

"Oh, ok. Er, hold on…" and with that he destroyed my Blackberry and Emmett's iPhone!

ME LOVEY JAZZY and Hitler then walked hand in hand (I'm sensing a future relationship, are you, ME LOVEY JAZZY?) and came to us. They were dressed just like the other Amish couples. ** (A/N: In Amish villages, old men can marry little girls and not be considered pedophiles.)**

"Ah, you must be Adolf and ME LOVEY JAZZY. Now, I will give you all new names, and you will LIKE THEM? YOU UNDERSTAND?"

"Yes." We all said, frightened.

"Good. Now, Jasper will be known as Joseph Fisher, Emmett will be known as Mathew Beiler, ME LOVEY JAZZY will be known as Mary Beiler, Hitler will be known as Jebadiah Beiler, and Beware. Of. The. Cat will be known as Rebecca Fisher."

"Cool." I said. "What will we do all day?"

"The men will work, the girls will weave, and the women will sew."

"Ok." Said ME LOVEY JAZZY- I mean Mary. She started off to were the weaving was, but Heckiciah stopped her.

"Where do you think you are going?"

"To weave with the girls?"

"You are fourteen, are you not?" **(ME LOVEY JAZZY, you may or may not be fourteen, but you are in my story, so there.)**

"Yeah…"

"You are a woman."

"COOL!"

"WHORE!" he shouted.

"What!?!?"

"YOU'RE HAIR IS SHOWING!"

"So?"

Jedidiah dragged us to the field where we were to work all day. ALL DAY. I know we won't get tired, but it's so BORING! As soon as Emmett picked up an Axe, he almost be-headed Heckiciah. He then started chopping at the tree, and the tree landed on Mary. (ME LOVEY JAZZY) Mary then landed in a pile of butter, which took 1212324345454 hours to make, and Heckiciah slipped on the butter, and got a concussion. And since they have no modern technology, he was in coma for the next three years. I wonder how Hitler is going. He was to be the local dentist.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed the man in the chair. Hitler was trying to pull out a tooth with a pair of pliers, but it wasn't working.

Maybe we should get out of here.

"SHUNNED! YOU ARE SHUNNED!" said Jedidiah.

"NEVER EVER EVER COME BACK!"

They owe me a Porsche and a Blackberry.

**I just wrote this after I saw Glenn Martin DDS, again no offense to Amish people! WAIT, AMISH PEOPLE AREN'T ON THE INTERNET! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! QUESTION OF THE CHAPTER: Do you see a future relationship between Hitler and ME LOVEY JAZZY? REVIEW!!!!!!! **


	16. They're Magically Delicious!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. Sorry, Middle School stole all my witty disclaimers.**

**Ugh, so I am just SO stressed out because of middle school. My English teacher is stealing all of my writing juice, so sorry if the chapter's lame. AH! I think I'm spending too much time on the internet! I have to squint to see the words on the board. I DON'T WANT GLASSES!**

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

**I pledge allegiance to the Flag****  
**** of the United States of America,****  
****and to the Republic for which it stands:****  
**** one Nation under God, indivisible,****  
****With Liberty and Justice for all.** Honor the Texas flag; I pledge allegiance to thee, Texas, one state under God, one and indivisible. Sorry, I do that when I get scared. I'm currently in Denali, hiding from Alice.

"So…" said Tanya.

"So…?"

"Has Edward talked about me?!" she yelled, still hopeful. God, she's pathetic.

"Uh, sure…" not in a good way…

"OMG! I KNEW Edward would dump that tramp! I am-,"

"SHUT UP, WOMAN! EDWARD IS IN A PERFECTLY FINE RELATIONSHIP AT THE MOMENT AND HE WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD KEEP YOUR OPINIONS TO YOURSLEF, YOU STUPID, WORTHLESS, TRAMP!"

"Huh, what? Sorry, Jasper. I gotta go pick out my wedding dress."

Dude, she's finally losing it. Huh, I wonder if I'm hot like diehardTWIhard says. Ooh, a mirror! God, I'm fine! Ugh, but I look hotter when my eyes are that nice golden color.

"Damn right, they are!" diehardTWIhard said.

"Really?"

"Yeah…"

"I still want a divorce!"

"NEVER!"

When they're black, I look scary! I was walking out the door, when I heard something. I looked around me, suspicious that someone was following me. I saw nothing. I started running again, when I heard a branch snap. Oh, God.

"Jasper…"

"A-Alice I'm sorry!"

"Well, sorry isn't good enough, now is it?!"

"ALICE, I BEG FOR YOUR FORGIVENESS!"

"You're going to pay."

"H-how?"

"You'll see." And with that, she disappeared south. I'm going to go hide under a bed now, if you don't mind.

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

Dude, the Amish are crazy! They *dry sob* destroyed *dry sob* my Jeep! I loved that Jeep like it was my child! I even loved it more than Rosalie! Uh, don't tell her. Please, if you care about my existence, don't tell her.

"EMMETT!" called Rosalie from upstairs. Who could've- UGH! EDWARD. DAMN YOU.

"I'm ALREADY damned." He said, being all emo-like.

"God, you have a low self-esteem, Edward!"

"Huh? I have to go my Daisies of Prudence meeting!"

He-he, Eddie's never gotten laid! HAHAHAHAHAH!

"SHUT UP, EMMETT!" he yelled.

"No."

"GOD, I HAVE FEELINGS, YOU KNOW!" he said, writing sad poetry.

"Why does Bella put up with you?" I asked. Seriously, sometimes I wonder how Bella handles Edward and his emo-ness.

"BECAUSE EDWARD IS HOT!" she answered.

"Oh, good point." I agreed.

I gots to go find KelseyMorganCullen!

-Ring ring-

"Hello?" she answered.

"KELSEY!"

"Oh, *sob* Hi, Emmett."

"Kelsey, why are you crying!?"

"ABRAHAM LINCOLN DUMPED ME! HE SAID IT WAS SOMETHING ABOUT HIM BEING MARRIED…"

"God, why are you so into married men?"

"I dunno, ask the author."

"So, I was thinking, we should get back to the election!"

"Ooh, we could like inspire Elementary School children!"

"Oh, ok!"

"Meet me at Foster Village Elementary at 1:00 P.M.!"

Hmm, I wonder what we'll do…

_Outside of Foster Village…_

"Boys, girls, especially girls, though, we have a special surprise for you! Please welcome, Presidential Candidate Emmett Cullen!"

A bunch of girls and a few guys (You know who you are) started jumping up and down, squealing. Some even had cardiac arrest. And some even died. They started crowding around me, and then they started asking me all sorts of questions! Something about my affair with Jacob Black or something…

"Ok, kiddies! Emmett will answer your questions, and will be followed by ME LOVEY JAZZY and Beware. Of. The. Cat." said KelseyMorganCullen.

A bunch of kids' hands went up. Hmm, I wonder who- OOH! Perfect. I chose a girl who had a Team Emmett shirt on.

"Oh…" she managed to get out, before she fainted. Ok… next question.

"EMMETT, EMMETT! CHOOSE ME! CHOOSE ME!" said a girl with red and black highlights. She was also carrying an apple and lily. She had a ribbon in her hair, and she was TRYING and FAILING to play chess.

"Ok, you, the crazed fan girl!"

"Emmett, is it true, once you become President, you'll pass a NO LAWS law?"

"Yes, that is correct. I'm always hearing, 'It's a free country!' but we can't do whatever we want! So, I have decided to remove all laws!"

"WillYouMarryMe!?!!?"

"No, Rosalie is still mad at me, and I'm still trying to win back KelseyMorganCullen."

"OK! Kids, Emmett's time is up. ME LOVEY JAZZY will now take your questions, but first, Emmett will give you a speech I'm sure will inspire you all."

"Thank you," I said. "I am sure you'll like my speech…

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. And so we've come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we've come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the "unalienable Rights" of "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note, insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked "insufficient funds."

But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. And so, we've come to cash this check, a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice.

We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of Now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. And those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. And there will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people, who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice: In the process of gaining our rightful place, we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again, we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.

The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. And they have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom.

We cannot walk alone.

And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead.

We cannot turn back.

There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their self-hood and robbed of their dignity by signs stating: "For Whites Only." We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until "justice rolls down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream."¹

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. And some of you have come from areas where your quest -- quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive. Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed.

Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.

And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a _dream_ today!

I have a dream that one day, _do_wn in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "interposition" and "nullification" -- one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a _dream_ today!

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; "and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together."

This is our hope, and this is the faith that I go back to the South with.

With this faith, we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith, we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

And this will be the day -- this will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with new meaning:

_My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. _

_Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgrim's pride, _

_From every mountainside, let freedom ring! _

And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true.

And so let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire.

Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York.

Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania.

Let freedom ring from the snow-capped Rockies of Colorado.

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California.

But not only that:

Let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia.

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee.

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi.

From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when _all_ of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual:

_Free at last! Free at last!_

_Thank __God__ Almighty, we are free at last! _Thank you."

"WHOO! YEAH!"

"YOU'RE SO GREAT, EMMETT!"

"MARRY ME!"

Now, ME LOVEY JAZZY's turn.

"Ok, kids," said ME LOVEY JAZZY. "I'm gonna skip all the questions and go right to the speech…

Europa kann nicht eher zur Ruhe kommen, bevor die jüdische Frage ausgeräumt ist. Die Welt hat Siedlungsraum genügend, es muß aber endgültig mit der Meinung gebrochen werden, als sei das jüdische Volk vom lieben Gott eben dazu bestimmt, in einem gewissen Prozentsatz Nutznießer am Körper und an der produktiven Arbeit anderer Völker zu sein.

Das Judentum wird sich genauso einer soliden aufbauenden Tätigkeit anpassen müssen, wie es andere Völker auch tun, oder es wird früher oder später einer Krise von unvorstellbarem Ausmaß erliegen.

Europa kann nicht eher zur Ruhe kommen, bevor die jüdische Frage ausgeräumt ist. Die Welt hat Siedlungsraum genügend, es muß aber endgültig mit der Meinung gebrochen werden, als sei das jüdische Volk vom lieben Gott eben dazu bestimmt, in einem gewissen Prozentsatz Nutznießer am Körper und an der produktiven Arbeit anderer Völker zu sein.

Das Judentum wird sich genauso einer soliden aufbauenden Tätigkeit anpassen müssen, wie es andere Völker auch tun, oder es wird früher oder später einer Krise von unvorstellbarem Ausmaß erliegen.

Wenn es dem internationalen Finanzjudentum in und außerhalb Europas gelingen sollte, die Völker noch einmal in einen Weltkrieg zu stürzen, dann wird das Ergebnis nicht der Sieg des Judentums sein, sondern die Vernichtung der jüdischen Rasse in Europa! Thank you."

Dude, I didn't understand a word she just said.

"Er, ok… Beware. Of. The. Cat. Will you stop eating horse guts so you can give your speech?"

"No! Horse guts are magically delicious!"

"YAY!"

"I'm telling my mommy to vote for Beware. Of. The. Cat.! Horse guts are magically delicious!"

These kids are sick.

**Whoo-hoo! I got this chapter done! Like I said, Middle School is stressful. So stressful, I am sad to say, my wrist cuts are getting worse. I did make one friend, though. Her name is Victoria, or Tori as she wants to be called. She looks like a younger version of the villain Victoria! Oh, QUESTION OF THE CHAPTER: Should I stop cutting myself? Psh, just kidding, here's the real QUESTION: Should I make Beware. Of. The. Cat stop eating horse guts?**


	17. An Albino Freak?

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or a banjo.**

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

'Sup my peeps! Everything went great at the Elementary School! I inspired kids with a great speech, and their parents are probably gonna vote for me! BUT I'M ONLY IN 3RD PLACE!

**1****st**** JASPER**

**2****nd**** Beware. Of. The. Cat.**

**3****rd**** Emmett**

Ugh! Esme said it's something about Jasper being responsible and patriotic, Beware. Of. The. Cat having great taste in food, and me having great speech writing skills. I must do something about this.

-Ring ring-

"KelseyMorganCullen!"

"Yes, Emmett?"

"I… my… the thing in my head hurts!" I blurted.

"Your brain?"

"NO! I HAVE NO PUPPIES IN MY SOCKETS!"

"WTF?"

"WHAT!?!?!" I screamed into the phone.

"Er, Emmett, maybe you should get your ears checked."

"WHAT!?!"

"UGH! I'm coming over!"

"I LIKE PUPPIES, TOO!"

KelseyMorganCullen then magically burst through my window with a super hero cape on!

"EMMETT!" she yelled into megaphone.

"WHAT!?!?! God, you don't gotta yell so loudly, I have super awesome vampy hearing!"

"Emmett, I think you need to see a doctor."

"WHY?! I'm in perfectly good health!"

"I think you may be an albino freak."

"An albino freak?"

"Yes. I think when you were a human, you had super bad hearing. You DO have an enhanced trait; it's super bad hearing! I'm great at drawing conclusions."

"OME! You may be right! TO A DOCTOR!"

_At a doctor's office…_

"Mr. Cullen, the doctor will now see you."

"YAY!"

"WTF?"

God, Carlisle needs to cleean his office! He has pudding all over the place! AND MAYONAISE! I likes me some good old fashioned mayo. It tastes like dirt, and I like dirt! YAY DIRT!

"Emmett?"

"YEAH?"

"WTF are you doing here?!"

"I-I just wanted to see my daddy! God, you're the worst daddy in the world! YOU SUCK!"

"I'm not your daddy."

"AH! ABANDONMENT!"

"No, really Emmett what are you doing here?"

"I am here to get my ears checked."

"Emmett, you're a vampire."

"GOD, DADDY! YOU'RE SO MEAN! I'M GOING TO TELL MOMMY AND SHE'LL STOP PACKING A NEGATIVE!"

"WHAT!?! NOT MY A NEGATIVE! Fine, I'll get your ears checked…"

"Yay!"

Carlisle then whisked a tool thingy out of mid-air because we Cullens are cool like that, and placed it in my ear.

"Emmett…"

"OMC! DOCTOR, IS IT BAD?"

"Emmett, you are suffering of…"

"Is it serious?!?!?"

"Extreme stupidity."

"Extreme stupidity?"

"Yes, a rare but serious disease. You can get extreme stupidity by: watching too many Barney and Friends re-runs, eating a hobo, or smearing mayonnaise all over your blubberberry."

"OMC! IS THERE A CURE!?"

"Well, there is one procedure we can try, but the surgery hasn't been approved in the U.S. yet…"

"WHO CARES!?!? LET'S GET HER DONE! Like I did to Rose last night…"

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

Yay! I'm in the lead! Probably because I'm SO patriotic! I need more ideas!

"diehardTWIhard!"

"Yes, honey?"

"Firstly, I need more ideas, and secondly I AM NOT YOUR HUSBAND!"

"This marriage certificate seems to say otherwise…"

"GRR."

"Fine, let's go, uh, spy on our opponents!"

"But, isn't it considered cheating?"

"No?"

"OK!"

_Outside ME LOVEY JAZZY'S House…_

God, ME LOVEY JAZZY is creepy. She like has a cardboard cutout of Edward standing by her desk. AND a Hitler cutout, which I may add is part of a big shrine! She was mumbling something in German… a prayer? A PRAYER TO HITLER? WHO WORSHIPS HITLER?! After she was done worshipping Hitler, she went on to the Edward cutout.

"Our Edward, who art in Forks,  
Hallowed be thy sparkles.  
Thy Volvo comes,  
thy will be fast,  
on Earth as it is in the meadow.

Give you this day our daily blood,  
and forgive us our heartbeats,  
As we worship Carlisle for giving you life.  
Lead us into tempation,  
and deliver us to you.

For thine is the Vampire,  
the music and the hotness,  
forever and ever."

OMIGOD! ME LOVEY JAZZY loves Edward? Well, then again, almost every other girl on the planet, excluding Team Jacob, loves Edward, so…

"Warst du Ausspionieren von mir?!" (Were you spying on me!?)

"No, ME LOVEY JAZZY, we were, uh, we were-,"

"WE WERE TRYING TO WATCH YOU SLEEP! YEAH, UH, LIKE EDWARD! WE EVEN WROTE YOU A LULLABY!" blurted diehardTWIhard.

"Really?" asked ME LOVEY JAZZY.

"Yeah, er, we did."

"Can I hear my lullaby?"

"Uh, sure…

Lullaby and good night, go to sleep my little baby…"

"THAT'S NOT MY LULLABY! MY LULLABY SINGS ABOUT WORLD DOMINATION AND MAYO! I WILL NOW GET MARCUS AND HIS EMO POWERS TO BANISH YOU FROM THIS WORLD FOREVER!"

Marcus suddenly popped out of nowhere, because vamps are cool like that.

"MARCUS! DESTROY HIM!"

"Who cares?" he sighed, shrugging his shoulders.

"Er, ARO! DESTROY HIM!"

"I've thrown away my toys  
Even my drum and train.  
I wanna make some noise  
With real live aeroplanes.

Some day I'm going to fly.  
I'll be a pilot too.  
And when I do, how would you  
Like to be my crew...

On the good ship lollipop.  
Its a sweet trip to a candy shop  
Where bon-bons play  
On the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay.

Lemonade stands everywhere.  
Crackerjack bands fill the air.  
And there you are  
Happy landing on a chocolate bar.

See the sugar bowl do the tootsie roll  
With the big bad devils food cake.  
If you eat too much ooh ooh  
You'll awake with a tummy ache.

On the good ship lollipop  
Its a night trip into bed you hop  
And dream away  
On the good ship lollipop." Sang a perky Aro whilst dancing the Macarena.

"_Caius, are you gonna be any help!?" asked an impatient dictator-in-training._

_"YAY! I GET TO DESTROY PEOPLE! I'M AN EVIL BEAVER!"_

_"WTF? JUST GET TO IT!"_

_He then started to point his fingers at me and magical spider webs shot out of his wrists! _

_"OMG! ARO! MARCUS! I DISCOVERED A NEW POWER!"_

_"Who cares?" asked Marcus._

_"OMC, Caius! I AM LIKE SO LIKE HAPPY FOR YOU! LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX."_

_"What..?" said a confuzzled Caius. The Volturi then left, to find out what freak accident happened to Caius, and to, erm.. talk about sex. Hmm, ME LOVEY JAZZY down, now Beware. Of. The. Cat._

_"GUARDIAN! I DECLARETH THATETH YOU-ETH GET-ETH ME-ETH SOME-TH FOOD-ETH." Said Beware. Of. The. Cat._

_"WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?!" cried the Guardian, who I may add was a horse. _

_"THAT'S IT! YOU JUST LOST YOUR GUT PRIVILEGES!"_

_"NO! Remember what happened when you ate your last batch of horse guts?"_

_"Yes, the horse went to an insane asylum and I got diarrhea."_

_"SO.."_

_"So… THEY'RE MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!"_

_I am grossed out by Beware. Of. The. Cat. So I guess I'll just go to John McCain's house…_

___At John McCain's house…_

_*LOTS OF MOANING AND THUMPING*_

_Ew, uh, nevermind._

_To Obama's house!_

___Obama's House..._

_" …and so the lion fell in love with the lamb, he murmered.'" Said Mrs. Obama._

_"READ MORE!" cried the girls._

_"BUT ITS TWO A.M.!"_

_"SO!?! THE CULLENS NEVER SLEEP!"_

_"THEY'RE FICTIONAL!"_

_"LE GASP!" said Sasha._

_"You're the worst mommy in the world!" said Malia._

_"UGH! Fine,… What a stupid lamb…"_

_Omigod, I think Edward and Bella have… STALKERS! Well, it's kinda new to Edward; Bella already gets stalked._

_Whew! YAY! THREE DAY WEEKEND! Anyway, what should happen during Emmett's surgery? REVIEW! QUESTION OF THE CHAPTER: GOD, WHY WON'T YOU PEOPLE REVIEW!!? I GOT LIKE ONE PERSON REVIEWING, MY FAITHFUL REVIEWER ____ME LOVEY JAZZY. __ WHY AREN'T YOU REVIEWING! You make me sad. *CRIES*_


	18. I'm Blind!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, but I DO own two posters, all the books, and the Director's Notebook!**

**This is what I imagine every time I think of a character:**

**ME LOVEY JAZZY: A chinchilla! Occasionally a taco.**

**KelseyMorganCullen: A POOL! Sometimes a printer.**

**Beware. Of. The. Cat. : A cat, duh!**

**diehardTWIhard: A MONTY! Sometimes an orange. **

**Don't ask. It's just how my mind works.**

**He-he. I had fun with this chapter. Oh, and don't kill me because of Edward's hair!**

**- The Website for people who aren't afraid to say, "What if…?"**

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

OME! I am SO afraid because I'm going to have surgery!

"Emmett, you're a vampire, you're already dead. So, you have nothing to worry about." Said Mr. Repressed, AKA Edward.

"GOD, YOU'RE THE WORST LITTLE BROTHER IN THE WORLD!"

"I'm older than you."

"SHUT UP!"

"No."

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" I yelled while I magically whisked out a razor.

"Emmett, what are you- NO!" he cried while I shaved off his beautiful bronze hair. All of a sudden Caroline, AKA Alice, AKA Alison, AKA shadowgrave22, AKA the author, jumped threw the ceiling with destructive Caius.

"EMMETT! YOU KILLED THE BRONZE! YOU KILLED IT! YOU KILLED THE SACRED, BEAUTIFUL, HOLY BRONZE! AND NOW, I'LL KILL YOU!" said shadowgrave22.

"Ha! You're only a human!" I said.

"That's why I brought Caius."

"CRAP!" I exclaimed as I ran away.

I ran into Port Angeles and stopped when I thought they had lost me. I saw them coming from behind the corner, so I ducked into the bookstore inventory room when I saw a book named Twilight. Hmm, I got time! I shall use my super vampy speed to read!

_5 minutes later… _

WHOA! Somebody's stalking us! But, WOW! That book is GOOD! I shall read the sequel, New Moon!

_Another 5 minutes later…_

God, that book made me cry. Well, mentally. But, I shall give these books to Edward! He will especially want to read New Moon, because we don't know WHAT happened between Jacob and Bella in those nine months we were gone…

OME, there is ANOTHER book! Eclipse, hmm, sounds good.

_YET ANOTHER 5 MINUTES LATER…_

He-he. I liked chapter 20, Compromise. EW! Bella's kissed a dog! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Hmm, Breaking Dawn…

_OMG, ANOTHER 5 minutes later…_

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm GONNA BE A UNCLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Renesmee, weird name! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE MUTT IS GONNA IMPRINT ON MY NIECE!!!!!!!!!!! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wonder if I should warn Edward and Bella not to make love since… Naw, I WANNA BE AN UNCLE!

As I ran back home, Carlisle hit me with his superty awesome Mercedes!

"OWWWWWWWWWW! MY LEG!"

"Emmett, you're a vampire! I feel like I'm saying that a lot!"

"Oh right!"

"Anyway, I was looking for you! And now that I've found you…"

"NO!!! I DO NOT WANT SURGERY!"

"TOO BAD!" he screamed. He, KelseyMorganCullen, diehardTWIhard, ME LOVEY JAZZY, and Beware. Of. The. Cat, tied me up and stuffed me into the trunk!

"KelseyMorganCullen!" I yelled when they let me out. "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?!"

"Carlisle paid me $5."

"WAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

"diehardTWIhard, why!?!?"

"I'm your opponent's assistant, of course I'd- AHH!" she screamed as I flung her out the window!

"ME LOVEY JAZZY?"

"Hitler had some, er, compromising to do with the Jews… So I was bored and agreed."

"Beware. Of. The. Cat?"

"They're magically delicious!"

"WTF?"

"Emmett, I'll be starting now!" cried a demonic Carlisle. **(A/N: Imagine the girl from The Exorcist only in male version. That's what Carlisle looks like now.)**

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

Whoa, Carlisle looks scary! Like… DRACULA! Emmett and Dracula go way back… Anyway, we didn't find out much except that ME LOVEY JAZZY worships Edward and Hitler, John McCain has a more active sexual life than we thought, The Obama girls are obsessed with us, and Beware. Of. The. Cat. has the ability to make horses cry. Nothing of use. Hmm, I wonder where diehardTWIhard is…

_**Somewhere in the woods… Normal P.O.V.**_

"HELP ME! I'm lost, hungry, and a beaver is chewing on my face!"

"You must learn to help yourself…" said a mysterious voice.

"GOD, is that you?"

"I'm not God, idiot! I'm the author!"

"Ohhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!"

"Anyway, you must learn to survive on your own!"

"Stupid!"

"Just for that, I'm gonna make Jasper fire you!"

-ring ring-

"Hello?" asked diehardTWIhard.

"diehardTWIhard, I suddenly have a strange urge to fire you! You're fired!" said Jasper.

"NO!!!!!!" cried diehardTWIhard. But, my dear readers, that isn't the last you'll see of this overly obsessed fan girl.

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

"…and that's what happened on my and Alice's honeymoon."

"Jasper, could you repeat that? I accidentally added something unimportant yet interesting about diehardTWIhard, thus covering your blood covered fun honeymoon story." Said the author.

"I DO NO REPEATS!" I said.

"Fine, oh, I gotta go water my animals."

"You mean water your plants?"

"No."

"Ok…"

shadowgrave22 flew out of the window because this is fanfiction and anything can happen in fanfiction, and I was alone with Alice.

"So…" I started.

"WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME!?!?!" she randomly blurted out. God, sometimes I think Alice is psycho.

"Of course I love you! Where did you get this idea?"

"YOU NEVER SPEND ANYMORE TIME WITH ME! AND WE NEVER CUDDLE ANYMORE AND EDWARD AND BELLA ARE THE RULERS OF CUDDLING!"

"I've been stressed out with the election and-,"

"That's it! I'm tired of excuses! I'm leaving!" she said, going to Denali. He-he. YES! I'm free! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I then called ME LOVEY JAZZY on my NEW Blackberry, not the one the stupid Amish destroyed!

"ME LOVEY JAZZY! She's gone! I say we go to the usual spot…"

"Sure!"

He-he.

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

YAY! MY SURGERY IS OVER! It took like 3993904903903 hours! Which should seem short to an immortal, but, hey, I'm Emmett! I wonder if my hearing is bett- HOLY CROW! I'm BLIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"CARLISLE! I CAN'T SEE!"

"Emmett…"

"YES?!?!"

"You have a blindfold on."

"Oh. Why?"

"I dunno. Ask Alice."

"Why Alice?"

"BECAUSE THIS BOOK IS SO GOOD!" he said while reading Ask Alice.

Hmm, I wonder where Rosalie is!

"ROSE!" I called.

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MARCUSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I hear coming from the closet!

Oh well, it's probably nothing! I guess I'll go hang out with my peeps!

"KelseyMorganCullen!"

"Emmett, we should make a speech to the public and deliver it tonight!"

"OK!"

"I better get started!"

_Later that night…_

"Emmett will now give a speech to the nation." Said a mean hippie.

"Mr. President and Gentlemen of the Convention:

If we could first know where we are and whither we are tending, we could better judge what to do and how to do it. We are now far into the fifth year since a policy was initiated with the avowed object and confident promise of putting an end to slavery agitation. Under the operation of that policy, that agitation has not only not ceased but has constantly augmented. In my opinion, it will not cease until a crisis shall have been reached and passed. "A house divided against itself cannot stand." I believe this government cannot endure, permanently, half slave and half free. I do not expect the Union to be dissolved; I do not expect the house to fall; but I do expect it will cease to be divided. It will become all one thing, or all the other. Either the opponents of slavery will arrest the further spread of it and place it where the public mind shall rest in the belief that it is in the course of ultimate extinction, or its advocates will push it forward till it shall become alike lawful in all the states, old as well as new, North as well as South.

Have we no tendency to the latter condition?

Let anyone who doubts carefully contemplate that now almost complete legal combination -- piece of machinery, so to speak -- compounded of the Nebraska doctrine and the Dred Scott decision. Let him consider, not only what work the machinery is adapted to do, and how well adapted, but also let him study the history of its construction and trace, if he can, or rather fail, if he can, to trace the evidences of design and concert of action among its chief architects, from the beginning.

The new year of 1854 found slavery excluded from more than half the states by state constitutions and from most of the national territory by congressional prohibition. Four days later commenced the struggle which ended in repealing that congressional prohibition. This opened all the national territory to slavery and was the first point gained.

But, so far, Congress _only_ had acted; and an endorsement by the people, real or apparent, was indispensable to save the point already gained and give chance for more.

This necessity had not been overlooked, but had been provided for, as well as might be, in the notable argument of "squatter sovereignty," other-wise called "sacred right of self-government," which latter phrase, though expressive of the only rightful basis of any government, was so perverted in this attempted use of it as to amount to just this: That if any _one_ man choose to enslave _another_, no _third_ man shall be allowed to object. That argument was incorporated into the Nebraska Bill itself, in the language which follows:

It being the true intent and meaning of this act not to legislate slavery into an territory or state, nor to exclude it therefrom, but to leave the people there-of perfectly free to form and regulate their domestic institutions in their own way, subject only to the Constitution of the United States.

Then opened the roar of loose declamation in favor of "squatter sovereignty" and "sacred right of self-government." "But," said opposition members, "let us amend the bill so as to expressly declare that the people of the territory may exclude slavery." "Not we," said the friends of the measure; and down they voted the amendment.

While the Nebraska Bill was passing through Congress, a law case, involving the question of a Negro's freedom, by reason of his owner having voluntarily taken him first into a free state and then into a territory covered by the congressional prohibition, and held him as a slave for a long time in each, was passing through the United States Circuit Court for the district of Missouri; and both Nebraska Bill and lawsuit were brought to a decision in the same month of May 1854. The Negro's name was Dred Scott, which name now designates the decision finally made in the case. Before the then next presidential election, the law case came to, and was argued in, the Supreme Court of the United States; but the decision of it was deferred until after the election. Still, before the election, Senator Trumbull, on the floor of the Senate, requested the leading advocate of the Nebraska Bill to state his opinion whether the people of a territory can constitutionally exclude slavery from their limits; and the latter answers: "That is a question for the Supreme Court."

The election came. Mr. Buchanan was elected, and the endorsement, such as it was, secured. That was the second point gained. The endorsement, however, fell short of a clear popular majority by nearly 400,000 votes, and so, perhaps, was not overwhelmingly reliable and satisfactory. The outgoing President, in his last annual message, as impressively as possible echoed back upon the people the weight and authority of the endorsement. The Supreme Court met again, did not announce their decision, but ordered a reargument.

The presidential inauguration came, and still no decision of the Court; but the incoming President, in his inaugural address, fervently exhorted the people to abide by the forthcoming decision, whatever it might be. Then, in a few days, came the decision.

The reputed author of the Nebraska Bill finds an early occasion to make a speech at this capital endorsing the Dred Scott decision, and vehemently denouncing all opposition to it. The new President, too, seizes the early occasion of the Silliman letter to endorse and strongly construe that decision, and to express his astonishment that any different view had ever been entertained!

At length a squabble springs up between the President and the author of the Nebraska Bill, on the mere question of _fact_, whether the Lecompton constitution was or was not in any just sense made by the people of Kansas; and in that quarrel the latter declares that all he wants is a fair vote for the people, and that he cares not whether slavery be voted _down_ or voted _up_. I do not understand his declaration, that he cares not whether slavery be voted down or voted up, to be intended by him other than as an apt definition of the policy he would impress upon the public mind -- the principle for which he declares he has suffered so much and is ready to suffer to the end. And well may he cling to that principle! If he has any parental feeling, well may he cling to it. That principle is the only shred left of his original Nebraska doctrine.

Under the Dred Scott decision, "squatter sovereignty" squatted out of existence, tumbled down like temporary scaffolding; like the mold at the foundry, served through one blast and fell back into loose sand; helped to carry an election and then was kicked to the winds. His late joint struggle with the Republicans against the Lecompton constitution involves nothing of the original Nebraska doctrine. That struggle was made on a point -- the right of a people to make their own constitution -- upon which he and the Republicans have never differed.

The several points of the Dred Scott decision, in connection with Senator Douglas' "care not" policy, constitute the piece of machinery in its present state of advancement. This was the third point gained. The working points of that machinery are:

First, that no Negro slave, imported as such from Africa, and no descendant of such slave can ever be a citizen of any state in the sense of that term as used in the Constitution of the United States. This point is made in order to deprive the Negro, in every possible event, of the benefit of that provision of the United States Constitution which declares that "the citizens of each state shall be entitled to all the privileges and immunities of citizens in the several states."

Second, that, "subject to the Constitution of the United States," neither Congress nor a territorial legislature can exclude slavery from any United States territory. This point is made in order that individual men may fill up the territories with slaves, without danger of losing them as property, and thus enhance the chances of permanency to the institution through all the future.

Third, that whether the holding a Negro in actual slavery in a free state makes him free, as against the holder, the United States courts will not decide, but will leave to be decided by the courts of any slave state the Negro may be forced into by the master. This point is made, not to be pressed immediately but, if acquiesced in for awhile, and apparently endorsed by the people at an election, then to sustain the logical conclusion that what Dred Scott's master might lawfully do with Dred Scott in the free state of Illinois, every other master may lawfully do with any other one, or 1,000 slaves, in Illinois or in any other free state.

Auxiliary to all this, and working hand in hand with it, the Nebraska doctrine, or what is left of it, is to educate and mold public opinion, at least Northern public opinion, not to care whether slavery is voted down or voted up. This shows exactly where we now are; and partially, also, whither we are tending.

It will throw additional light on the latter to go back and run the mind over the string of historical facts already stated. Several things will now appear less dark and mysterious than they did when they were transpiring. The people were to be left "perfectly free," "subject only to the Constitution." What the Constitution had to do with it, outsiders could not then see. Plainly enough, now, it was an exactly fitted niche for the Dred Scott decision to afterward come in and declare the perfect freedom of the people to be just no freedom at all.

Why was the amendment expressly declaring the right of the people voted down? Plainly enough, now, the adoption of it would have spoiled the niche for the Dred Scott decision. Why was the Court decision held up? Why even a senator's individual opinion withheld till after the presidential election? Plainly enough, now, the speaking out then would have damaged the "perfectly free" argument upon which the election was to be carried. Why the outgoing President's felicitation on the endorsement? Why the delay of a reargument? Why the incoming President's advance exhortation in favor of the decision? These things look like the cautious patting and petting of a spirited horse preparatory to mounting him when it is dreaded that he may give the rider a fall. And why the hasty after-endorsement of the decision by the President and others?

We cannot absolutely know that all these exact adaptations are the result of preconcert. But when we see a lot of framed timbers, different portions of which we know have been gotten out at different times and places and by different workmen -- Stephen, Franklin, Roger, and James, for instance -- and when we see these timbers joined together and see they exactly make the frame of a house or a mill, all the tenons and mortises exactly fitting, and all the lengths and proportions of the different pieces exactly adapted to their respective places, and not a piece too many or too few, not omitting even scaffolding, or, if a single piece be lacking, we see the place in the frame exactly fitted and prepared yet to bring such piece in -- in such a case, we find it impossible not to believe that Stephen and Franklin and Roger and James all understood one another from the beginning, and all worked upon a common plan or draft drawn up before the first blow was struck."

I waited for the applause that always came, but instead, the hippie asked me something.

"Emmett, how do you get inspiration for your speeches?"

"I WATCH THE HISTORY CHANNEL!"

"GET HIM! HE'S BEEN STEALING SPEECHES!"

This can't be good publicity.

**YAY! I GOT FINISHED! QUESTION OF THE CHAPTER: So, what did you think of Emmett's speech? He-he. REVIEW!**


	19. Victoria and Aro?

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. That's right, I'm a hobo! YAY HOBOS! I'm actually typing this from under a slide! HOBOS! I stole all the Twilight books from Wal-Mart! HOBOS, HOBOS, HOBOS, HOBOS, HOBOS…**

**Just in case someone is wondering, the Cullens can understand Hitler because the Cullens are like older than your grandparents (but they look better in swimsuits) and know all sorts of languages, Just thought I'd add that… (Hitler can also speak English, but he chooses not to.) **

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

Hi! I'm Emmett, and even though I'm an 80 something year old man, I'm going to act like a three year old child! La la la lee lee lee, I'm a furry pink bunny! La la la lu lu lu, I'm gonna beat the crap outta you!

"Emmett, no. Just no." said a bald Edward. **(A/N: GOD, I HATE MYSELF!) **

"He-he. Bella won't kiss you, Bella won't kiss you!"

"SHUT UP."

"NO."

"#U((*#(*#(*#(*$(*#(*$$(#**(#*(#*(*#!!!"

"…probably why Bella won't kiss you!" I screamed.

"NO! SHE will KISS ME! WE ARE ENGAGED!"

"You're right. Once ME LOVEY JAZZY brings back the first successful hair growing formula dude back to life, she'll be your love monkey once again!"

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL MY SWEET, INNOCENT, BEAUTIFUL, ANGEL!?!?!?!?"

"Crap."

I AM NOW RUNNING FROM EDWARD! HELP!

"HELP! SPIDEY MAN! SPIDEY MAN!"

"Emmett?"

"SPIDEY MAN?!?!"

"No, idiot, this is KelseyMorganCullen!"

"OHHHHHHHHHHHH KELSEY!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ew, that sounded wrong."

"Yeah, a lot of things sound wrong lately! Like, I can hear Rosalie and Marcus moaning in the closet. It's probably nothing!"

"Anyway… I GOT A PLAN TO WIN THE ELECTION!"

"REALLY!?!?!?"

"No."

"Really?"

"No, I really DO have a plan!"

"GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ok, look at this newspaper…

**1990 Local Citizen Jasper Hale of San Francisco has a FULL MOON on the FULL MOON**

**Today, August 8, 1990, was a remarkable one. Citizen Jasper Hale, a student at Lakewater High, was caught mooning the Full moon last night. Here's what he had to say:**

"**Mmm, you smell good. Mmmm…"**

**Weirdo…. Aah! He killed a monkey! He's drinking the monkey's blood! No! I named it Hulio! **

I stared at the old newspaper like I was a monkey and it was a banana.

"So..?"

"SO, I CAUGHT ME LOVEY JAZZY STARING AT THE PHOTO! But, I can't blame her. He IS pretty dang hot…"

"I'm hotter!"

"No, you're not."

"I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!"

"YOU THOUGHT WRONG. Anyway, I love pickles."

"How is this supposed to help?"

"If the public finds out about this, they'll HAVE to vote for you!"

"Hmm, good point! TO THE MEDIA!"

_Outside of the place where magazines are published…_

"Ok, so go in, and _persuade _her."

"What do you mean _persuade_?"

"DAZZLE THE EDITOR!"

"I can't dazzle! That's Edward's job!"

"Then go get Edward!"

"Can't. He's bald now."

"WTF!?!?!?!"

"Don't worry! ME LOVEY JAZZY brought back the dude who invented hair growth!"

"You mean God?" she asked, looking up at the sky.

"Er, sure…" I said, killing George Washington.

"Anyway, just TRY to dazzle her!"

"Ok…" I sighed. The inside of the office was scary! There were gorgeous (For a human, anyway) models who were posing and not eating, reporters writing articles about women to make girls' self-esteems go down, and a cafeteria where nobody ate because everyone was self- conscious!

"Excuse me?" I asked a twig girl.

"YES?" she asked, crossly. Probably cranky from not eating.

"WHERE IS THE BOSS?"

"IN THERE!" she said, slapping me. Her hand broke, not only because I was a rock hard vampire, but because her hand was so twig like, a baby could've broken it! I walked into the office, where another stick (AKA woman) was sitting.

"Excuse me, Miss?"

"Yes?" she asked, looking at me like I was Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner or Johnny Depp or ALL OF THEM COMBINED!

"I want to make a proposition with ya."

"What kind of proposition?"

"I would like to-,"

"YOU'RE HIRED!"

"What?"

"YOU'RE OUR NEW MALE MODEL!"

"But-,"

"You're perfect! We don't even have to airbrush you!"

"NO! I WILL NOT BE THE RUINER OF SELF-ESTEEMS! I want to publish an article!"

"Sigh, what kind of article?" she said in a prissy voice.

"Take a look…" she read the article and gaped.

"You see?"

"WE WILL PUBLISH IT IMMEDIATELY!"

He-he. Muha. MUHAHHAHAHH!

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

Ah, it's a nice and rainy day. I think I'll go into town!

_Outside Newton's Olympic Outfitters…_

I'm in town! Hey, it's Edward!

"Edward! What are you doing here?"

"I'm waiting for Bella."

"You know, she doesn't get off work until 6:00 P.M. right?"

"I know."

"It's 3:00 P.M."

"I know."

-Awkward Silence-

"So… HEY! Your hair grew back!"

"Yeah, God gave me new hair!"

"SEE! YOU DO HAVE A SOUL!"

"What?"

"IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE A SOUL, GOD WOULD HATE YOU!"

"Shut up! I'm eternally damned!"

"Emo Edward…" God, it's a good thing Edward is hot or Bella might not be able to put up with his emo-ness. Wait, yes she would, because emo guys are hot! Shit, the author made me gay! Whilst trying to bring back my manliness, Aro magically pops outta nowhere because the Volturi are cool like that.

"If you were gay, I'd be ok and I'd say, "Hey, it's ok to be gay!" If you were queer, Id be right here, and I'd say, "Dear, it's ok to be queer!" If you were funny, "Honey," I'd say. "Honey, it's ok that your girl is a sonny!" He sang whilst drinking Mike's blood with a straw utensil because he's European and Europeans eat and drink everything with utensils.

"What the duck do you want, Aro?"

"I wanted to see your house!"  
"Why?"

"Well, I figured if I'm gonna be your step mom/ step dad one day, I should explore the home!"

"Carlisle's not gay."

"Are you sure?"

"YES." I screamed. And this dude's supposed to be a leader. Psh, right…

"Cause last time he visited me he sure LOOKED gay…"

"HE'S FREAKING STRAIGHT!"

"Really? Cause when I saw the Twilight movie he sure looked close to Edward when he was changing him. TOO close…"

"JUST LEAVE!" I screamed, a little harsh I guess. He started to dry sob, and I felt guilty.

"I-It's ok, Jasper."

"No, let me make it up to you. Victoria is single."

"She's dead."

"So? She's still single…"

"OK!" he said, going off to date Victoria's ashes. Some people are just sick. Hmm, I wonder what the news is saying about me… I went over to the newsstand and inserted my quarter. It wouldn't give me a paper! So, I just used Newton's corpse to break open the box.

**JASPER HALE: PRESIDENT OR PARTY ANIMAL?**

**It's a sad day in America when they find out that out #1 presidential candidate is a wild party animal. August 8, 1990 Jasper Hale mooned the moon. IT WAS HORRIBLE! THEN HE ATE MY PET MONKEY! I'LL NEVER FORGIVE THE BASTARD! I HATE YOU! I'M GONNA VOTE FOR ME LOVEY JAZZY!**

Crap! Everyone was just starting to forget about that! I know what you're thinking (Hey, that's Edward's job!) but it's not true! IT WAS A DARE! IT WAS A STUPID DARE AND I WAS DARED BY EMMETT! WAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

"Jasper…" a German voice beckoned.

"ME LOVEY JAZZY?"

"Nein, du Idiot! Es ist Hitler." (No, idiot! It's Hitler.)

"What do you want?"

"Ich wollte mich verabschieden." (I wanted to say goodbye.)

"Goodbye?"

"Ich verlasse diese Welt für immer." (I'm leaving this world forever.)

"Suicide? Oh… OK! BYE!" I said, before I heard a shotgun go off in the background. MUHHAHAHHAHHHHAHHA! Maybe I should tell ME LOVEY JAZZY…

-Ring ring-

"Hallo?"

"ME LOVEY JAZZY?"

"Was willst du?" (What do you want?)

"Hitler died." Short, simple, and to the point.

"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL AVENGE HIS DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"He killed himself."

"I DON'T BELIEVE YOU! I BET EDWEIRDO DID IT!"

"Edweirdo?"

"Yes. I WILL KILL HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"You're only a human."

"I BROUGHT JAMES BACK TO LIFE!"

"WHAT!? BUT WE MADE HIM INTO ASHES!"

"I CAN DO THE IMPOSSIBLE! I WILL AVENGE HITLER'S DEATH!!!!!!!!"

Well, that can't be good.

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

I need to find Jacob! Word is he ran away because of Bella's engagement to Edward… I say, it's because I broke up with him! I ran to La Push, ignoring all the darts to little kids were throwing at me. I went to Jacob's house and knocked.

"Hello, who is- VAMPIRE! THE TREATY HAS BEEN BROKEN! AGAIN!"

"Hey, Billy. Nice to see you, too. Where's Jacob?"

"VAMPIRE!!!" he said, hyperventilating.

"Whatever." I said, walking into the house. Strangely enough, I found Edward in there.

"Eddie! What are you doing here?"

"I'm watching Twilight with Billy."

"Why..?"

"BECAUSE LIKE OMG, IT IS AWESOME! I LIKE CAN'T WAIT FOR MIDNIGHT SUN!"

"Ok…"

"SHH! Here's my favorite part."

The scene then went to that of Edward leaving Bella's house and having an intense and slow and awkward stare down with Billy. I wonder how he drove the truck when he's in a wheel chair! Isn't that illegal? They then started to re-enact the scene.

-Edward and Billy have an intense stare-down while Edward gets bored and throws Aro into Billy's face-

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! VAMPIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed guess who? Billy!

I decided it was time to find Jacob because he was my future Secretary of State.

"Jacob?"

"OHHHH! BELLA!" Wait was he pleasuring- All of a sudden the author jumps through the ceiling because she's cool like that and gives Billy a heart attack.

"EMMETT! This is a T rated fanfic!"

"Really??"

"Yes."

"OHHHHH!!!!! !"

"You should go now."

"Why?"

"Time for another Q&A session!"

"OK!"

_Inside of the Q&A session place…_

"Ok! Let's get started! I got a hot date…" said Aro, winking at the Victoria ashes. Ew, sick!

"Beware. Of. The. Cat, your question is: Why are you so sick!? Really, why do you eat horse guts?!"

"Why are you dating a pile of ashes, sicko?"

"Good point, Emmett, your question: Why do you act like a 3 year old child?"

"BECAUSE THE AUTHOR IS ON CRACK!"

"Really?"

"Psh, no. Where does a 6th grader get crack?"

"Ok… ME LOVEY JAZZY?"

-ME LOVEY JAZZY IS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN-

All of a sudden I hear a lot of cussing and screaming from the other room, so I assume it's James and Edward fighting.

"Jasper?"

"What?"

"Your question is: Why did you moon the moon?" Jasper gives me an evil glare and talks.

"EMMETT MADE ME DO IT!" The audience gasps and before I know it, I'm hiding in a tunnel. But I feel like I'm not alone. I search, and sure enough, I see diehardTWIhard murmuring something about 7 days…

"diehardTWIhard?"

"Stop. Stop. The British are coming!"

"What?"

"WE ARE SPARTA!"

"Are you ok…"

"BATTLE OF BULL RUN!"

"Um…"

She starts to go into hysterics and I slap her. Then Aro shows up and starts singing show tunes. WHEN WILL THIS NIGHTMARE END!??!?

**Weird, huh? Well, then again, all my chapters are weird. REVIEW! WTF? ONLY ONE REVIEW FOR THE LAST CHAPTER! IF YOU DON'T REVIEW, I WIL GET A BUNCH OF TWI-HATERS AND LET THEM KICK YOU REPEATEDLY IN THE FACE! Sorry, rant over. Ok, QUESTION OF THE CHAPTER: Who hates it when Twi-haters write FANfiction? It just annoys me to death! *DIES BECAUSE OF TWI-HATERS FANFICTION***


	20. I Love You, You Love Me

**Disclaimer: I am on FANfiction! Not I-am-the-real-publisher- fiction!**

"_Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, everyday, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be __**silly**__ enough to do. It is bad for the mind to continually be part of unanimity."_

_-Christopher Morley_

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

I was totally content, er, 'showing love to Alice' when Charlie burst through my door.

"CHARLIE!"

"Jasper! I- HEY, AREN'T YOU KIDS TOO YOUNG TO BE HAVING SEX!?"

"Um…"

"AND UN-PROTECTED TOO! Jasper, I'm afraid you'll rub this behavior on to Bella. I mean, I know she's getting married, but…"

-TWO HOURS LATER-

"…next thing you know you'll get married to her…"

-EIGHT HOURS LATER-

"…and you'll have a daughter…."

-ELEVEN HOURS LATER-

"… then she'll leave you…"

-Two DAYS Later-

"… daughter will wanna move in with you…"

-WEEKS LATER-

"… she'll want to date Ed- I mean a boy…"

- ONE MONTH LATER-

"… leave her…"

-Um, I lost track of time-

"…forgive him! And then your daughter'll wanna get married…"

-LOTS OF TIME LATER-

"… walk into the room seeing his brother having un-protected sex!"

"Um, she's on the pill?"

"Oh, ok!"

"So, was there something you wanted to tell me?"

"Oh, diehardTWIhard had a nervous breakdown. She's in a mental asylum."

"WHAT?"

"Don't shoot the messenger!" But I did and Eddie got mad at me so I used ME LOVEY JAZZY's machine to bring him back to life.

"Anyway, she said she wanted to tell you something. Meet her at the mental asylum."

"I don't know where it is."

Alice screamed, "I DO!"

-THREE HOURS LATER-

"Here we are!"

"It's abandoned."

"Exactly."

We walked in, and sure enough, diehardTWIhard was there.

"diehardTWIhard!"

"J-Jasper?"

"Yeah?"

"I-I'm dying!" she said before bursting into a fit of tears.

"NO! WHO WILL BE MY ASSISTANT NOW?" she looked at me and suddenly Jane was there.

"Jane? What are you doing here?"

"Well, Aro said I should start hanging out with people my age, and I said I am, but he told me to go to a school! So I went and now she is my BFFFLAAE!" (Best Female Friend for life and all eternity!)

"Oh. So…"

"SO MY FRIEND IS DYING AND ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IS YOUR SILLY ELECTION!"

"Um…"

"FEEL THE PAIN!" she said, looking into my eyes. My no- no area! AHHHH! IT HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"

"He-he. I'm evil."

"Hey, wait a minute."

"What?"

"Wasn't diehardTWIhard in a cave?"

"She was, but I set it on fire and she came running out."

"AAHHHHH! MY NO NO AREA!"

WHAT!? NO!!!! diehardTWIhard is dying! I don't have an assistant!!!!!

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

Sigh, I'm bored. Hey, diehardTWIhard is dying! Hmm, I got an idea!

"diehardTWIhard!"

"What?" she said, bursting into hysterical tears?

"I'm sorry!" I said, before I bit into her neck.

She started to twitch and fell to sleep. She started screaming. NO!!!!!!!!! Oh wait, that's Edward's job.

"Hey, Eddie!"

"Do. Not. Call. Me. Eddie."

"Guess what?"

"WHAT?"

"I made diehardTWIhard a vampy!"

"WHAT!??"

"Yep!"

He then gave me a 4 hour lecture on responsibility, mortality, immortality, and pain. It would've been longer, but Bella wanted to make out.

"So…" she said.

"What?"

"I'M ((# (*(#*(* THIRSTY!"

"OHHHH! Well, let's go hunting!"

-THREE HOURS LATER-

"Yum, werewolf tastes good!"

"Yeah, poor Seth, though!"

After we apologized to Sue and Leah, we went to Bella's house because we were bored. It was awkward. Bella and Edward were making out.

"What do you WANT, Emmett!?" they asked in unison.

"We were bored." I said. Edward kicked me out, but before that I stole Bella's diary.

September 13, 2006

_Dear Diary,_

-THREE HOURS LATER-

Sob, this is sad! Ok, I'm gonna go read happy things now!

-AFTER READING 'THE LITTLE ENGINE WHO COULD'-

I think I can, I think I can! I gotta go, I have a meeting with President Bush today. I am gonna give him a present. Hmm, I wonder what- ooh a Volvo!

I drove the Volvo all the way to D.C. (Washington D.C. not Washington) and I broke the gate open. It was so fun! I broke it and an alarm kept going off, "Intruder Alert!"

"Mr. Bushio?"

"YES?" he answered.

"I AM LIKE, YOUR BIGGEST FAN! I HAVE ALL YOUR CD'S!"

"You do!? OME, like I am so excited to have lunch!"

"THEN LEAD THE WAY!!!!"

We walked into the dining room and laid out were several plates of food so small you needed a magnifying glass to see.

"Do you have any blood?"

"Yuppers!" he said, getting his dog.

~~~~SCENE REMOVED~~~

"I love you!" he blurted out.

"You love me!"

"We're a happy family!"

"With a great big hug!"

"And a kiss from me to you!"

"Won't you say you love me too?" This is the start of a bro-mance. . then started to dance an Irish jig around the room, saying, "I like eating horse guts! YUMMY!!!!"

I got a call from Kelsey.

"Emmett?"

"What?"

"I got a brain transplant!!!"

"WTF?"

"Oh, that's just a saying."

"OHH!"

"It means I found out something about Jasper!!!!"

"WHAT?!"

"In 1980 something, he performed "Thriller" at the school talent show!"

"I KNOW! IT WAS HILARIOUS!!!!"

"Let's release it to the press!"

Fidel Castro then burst through the door, seeking revenge for his close friend, Hitler's, death.

"MY NAME IS FIDEL CASTRO AND I AM A DRUG ADDICT!"

"What?"

"PONIES ARE PRETTY!!"

Kelsey Morgan Cullen and Fidel Castro then started dancing the Macarena.

"TIME FOR THE ELECTION, EMMETT!" she said.

"Gasp, THE election?"

"Yuppers!"

The election to determine who was to be the president. I LIKE BUNNIES AND UNICORNS!!!

"Emmett, let's go."

"Where?"

"To Larry King, of course!"

-LARRY KING STUDIO-

"We have Emmett here with us today! Emmett, are you gonna win?"

"I HOPE SO! Cause if you don't vote for me, God will hate you."

I AM SO GONNA WIN!!!

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

I sighed as I turned on CNN.

"…election tomorrow. Candidates John McCain, Barack Obama, Jasper Hale, Emmett Cullen, ME LOVEY JAZZY, and Beware. Of. The. Cat."

CRAP. THE ELECTION'S TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Will Emmett win?** **Will Jasper win? WHO will win? It's up to you my people. Go vote in the poll!!! GO DO IT!!!! QUESTION: What do you think about a sequel to Jasper For The Presidency? REVIEW.**


	21. Aro and the Newborns

**Disclaimer: Like Taylor Lautner and the United States of America, I do not own Twilight. Sigh, Taylor… **

**Every time I tried to write Tinker Bell, I wrote Tinker Bella.**

**Ok, this is for people who read one of my other stories, Today,I Well, I had a really funny review and wanted to share it with you. Well, in the story, someone eats Seth Clearwater. D-Don't ask. I had 293429839283 gallons of soda and 9332828339 pounds of candy. Hmm, maybe instead of hiding under the bleachers during P.E. I should actually exercise. Here's the funny review:**

**From: FullmetalVampire123**

_**send me a pm if u want 2 reply cuz im 2 lazy 2 log in **_

_**btw... **_

_**you said the kid who threw up was EATING seth cleawater. **_

_**...that, my dear children is cannabalism, and is frowned upon in most societies**_

**HAHAHAAHAHHAHAHHAH! Well, here's the story.**

**This is *sob* the last chapter of **_**Jasper for the Presidency!**_** *Sob* Thank you all for the reviews, and support. I will be working on a Sequel! Who's psyched for **_**New Moon? **_**NOW here's the story. Gosh, you people don't care about my personal life! I'm GONNA RUN AWAY!**

**Currently accepting Beta requests! COME ON, PEOPLE! I WANNA BE YOUR BETA!**

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

I was counting down the seconds until midnight. 3…2…1… Yay! It's time! Well, not time for the election, but at least it's November 4!

"Eduardo!"

"What! AND DO NOT CALL ME EDUARDO."

"Ooh! Edward doesn't like Mexican people!"

"What? I'm not racist! I just want you to call me Edward!"

"Sure you do! Racist…"

"EMMETT."

"Fine, I just wanted to know where Seth was."

"How am I supposed to know?"

"You're like friends with him, right?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"CALL HIM FOR ME."

"Why don't you get off your lazy behind and do it yourself?"

Ugh, I hate you, Edward! I was getting bored so I decided to start a sing-along!

"Camp town lady sing your song, do da, do da, camp town lady five miles long, all the do da day…"

"EMMETT SHUT UP, I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!"

"Sorry."

It's amaza-za-za-zing! What, you ask? SLEEPING! I im so vedy sod thought I con't suleep.

"Emmett, you're grammar is horrible." Said shadowgrave22.

"Who are you to speak!"

"The author! I control your every move!"

"LE GASP, REALLY?"

"Yeah, look!" All of a sudden I feel the sudden urge to slap Jasper.

"OW! What was that for?"

"I DON'T KNOW! STOP HARASSING ME!"

Then, I had the urge to kick Esme!

"**Emmett Dale McCarty Cullen, YOU. WILL. DIE. TODAY."**

NEVER UPSET ESME. Wow, that's a weird name. I SHALL TELL HER!

WOW, I'm STUPID!

_Emmett you aren't stupid._

WHO IS THAT! I'M HEARING VOICES! Ooh, just like Edward…

_Shut up, Stupid. This is your smarter side speaking._

LE GASP, I HAVE A SMART SIDE?

_Yes, you do. Just like Edward has a dumb side. Like when he…left. _**A/N: Even thought I'm Team Edward, I STILL haven't fully forgiven him!**

Yeah, he was pretty dumb.

_Anyway, your smart side commands you to sabotage Jasper's Thank You speech._

Well, OK, but- HEY! How do you know Jasper's gonna win?

_Because he's hot._

True.

"Jasper!"

"Yes?"

"Um, can I see your, er, speech?"

"Why would I let you see my speech?"

"Because I'm your favorite brother!"

"Um…"

"WHAT! HOW CAN YOU LIKE EMO EDWARD!"

"He's mature."

"I'm mature!

"Did everyone just forget I was here!" cried shadowgrave22.

"I SAID I WAS)()))! SLEEPING!" said Bella.

"Sorry," we all said.

"Anyway, you're the youngest vampire here, Emmett."

"Nu-uh! I'm a senior!" he then started to hit himself with a bat.

"JASPER! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

shadowgrave22 then started to get on our laptop and typed furiously! WAIT, WHY AM I SLAPPING MYSELF!

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"shadowgrave22!"

"No! It is I, ME LOVEY JAZZY!" she said, ripping off the mask.

"LE GASP! Wait, how?"

"I hacked into her account. Shadowgrave22, edwardisuberhawt isn't a good password." **a/n: this isn't my real password, so don't even try!**

"DRAT!" cried the real shadowgrave22.

ME LOVEY JAZZY and shadowgrave22 then started to look all cool and old timey movie looking. Like in the Kung Fu films were the words don't match with the person's mouth.

"I shall win in the end, small one," said shadowgrave22 talking really fast.

"Ha! But you have one weakness, sapling!" ME LOVEY JAZZY said.

"Sigh, I'm bored. Let's stop playing Super Awesome Ninja Vampys."

"I. SAID. I. WAS. SLEEPING." Said Bella.

"Why? Just take a nap later." Said I.

"GRRR."

I do NOT want to be near Bella when she is a newborn.

"EMMETT."

"Sorry, Eddiekins."

"EMMETT!"

"But you let Bella call you that!"

"Well, yeah, because she's my fiancée. It's like a pet name."

"Oh, ok, Spot!"

"What?"

"Well, a common dog name is Spot,"

"What? No that's not what I- Never mind. I won't waste the energy trying to explain it to you."

Grr, everybody thinks I'm dumb! Just because I'm an eighty something year old man and I get a Z- on every test doesn't mean I'm dumb!

"Yes, it does, Emmett." Said the Smart Alec AKA Edward.

"I'll show you! I'll show ALL of you!" I said, skipping off to my Jeep. Wait, skipping? Shadowgrave22!

**a/n: yes?**

"Why do you make me so girly yet manly at the same time?"

**a/n: cuz I can**

"I'm telling my mommy!" Esme then came skipping out of the kitchen with cookies and birds were swirling around her head, as were deer. Mmm, momma made dinner.

"EMMETT, DO NOT KILL THE DEER!"

"Fine, but Caroline's being mean to me!"

"I cannot imagine that."

"But-,"

"NO BUTS! Get yours to your room." I raised my eyebrow at Rose.

"NO, ROSALIE CANNOT GO WITH YOU."

"I'M GOING TO HARVARD MOM! I'LL SHOW YOU!"

-Inside the Prissy College, AKA Harvard-

"Well, Mr. Cullen, your grades are quite excellent,"

"YUPPIES!"

"Edward, we would be glad to have you in our University."

"My name is Emmett."

"The paper says Edward." Damn, I forgot I stole Edward's identity.

"Oh, well, um…"

"Ah, here's the Emmett paper." He read it and he exploded. Not really, that's a figure of speech. Edward taught me that when he said Bella was an angel and I asked her if she could grant me a wish.

"W$*) *$(* (* (* (**) ) (! ! ! :! HOW THE $ DID YOU PASS KINDERGARTEN? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO SPELL DOG!"

"Yes I do! D-O-J!"

But he didn't listen. He just started banging his head on the desk.

"Um, sir…"

"GO AWAY! BEFORE YOU RUB YOUR STUPIDITY ON ALL OF THE STUDENTS!"

As I was walking out, I saw Elle Woods!

"OMG, ELLE!"

"Like, OMG?"

"I LOVES YOUR SKIRT!"

"Like, thanks, I like, got it at like, the mall and it was like on sale?"

"I LOVE YOU ELLE!"

"Like, thanks?"

"Why does everything sound like a question?"

"Like, I dunno, I was born this way?"

"How did you get in?"

"Like, the professor was like a pervert and wanted to like get me in bed, but like I didn't like ok?"

"OH?"

"Get the %$%$%$! away?"

"FINE?"

College is fun! Ooh, I just remembered I have to call Seth.

-Ring ring-

"H-Hello?" asked Seth in a scared voice.

"SETH!"

"No! Not you! I've already had six surgeries and the Amish beat me with their whips!"

"Come on! It's Election Day and this will be the last time you'll ever see me!"

"REALLY!"

"Psh, no. I might be lonely or something!"

"THEN NO!"

Then it hit me.

SETH WAS JUST JEALOUS!

"Y-You're just jealous!"

"Why would I be jealous of _you?_"

Hmm, never considered that.

"Because I have a super hot wife and you haven't ever gone on a date!"

"You mean the wife who makes out with Marcus every day for three hours!"

"WHAT!"

"Oh, you know it's true."

"But- yeah, yeah I do."

"Anyway, I'm done being your personal puppy. Go ask a wizard to help you; you might actually have a chance at winning then."

Hmm, that gave me an idea…

"Thanks BUDDY!"

-At Hogwarts-

"HARRY!"

"What?"

"I need a favor,"

"No, Emmett, remember the last time you asked me for a favor?"

_Flashback_

"HARRY! I NEED A LOLLIPOP!"

"WHY?"

"To throw at my brother."

-two hours later-

"Harry, can you bail me out of jail. I threw a lollipop at the president."

_End Flashback_

"Well, this is different!" I screamed.

"No, I don't think it is,"

"PLEASE!"

"No."

"Please."

"No."

"Please."

"No."

"PLEASE."

"No."

"EIOJ(!I)(I()C I(C$(!)$(!"

"I-I can't believe you said that to me!" he said, crying.

"COME ON!"

"FINE!"

Yay, Harry Potter's gonna be my Secretary of State!

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

Wow, I can't believe that I'm at the Election Center right now. I'm voting! Not really sure why, considering I wouldn't vote for anybody else. Oh, my phone is ringing.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Hallo, Jasper," said a familiar German voice.

"HITLER!"

"Yes, Jasper, it is I, Adolf Hitler!"

"Why are you speaking English?"

"The author was getting tired of using the Google translation box,"

"Oh."

-TWO MINUTES OF AWKWARD SILENCE LATER-

"So…"

"So?" he asked.

"So, why exactly are you here?"

"Well, remember, how I died? Well, I remembered I was already dead so I couldn't die from a gun!"

"That doesn't answer my question!"

"Well, I'm running too!" I hope he doesn't mean what I think he means.

"RUNNING. FOR. WHAT?"

"President!"

"WTF? You're a crazed, German, dictator who wouldn't have been crazy if the damn art schools would just freaking accept your creepy pictures of your dead mommy!"

"That gave me an ouchie," he said, pointing at his heart, "in here!"

"Well, back to the point!"

"The point is, I could rule the world if I just won the election! I will and no one will stop me!"

No one except Jasper Hale, Under Cover Super Awesome Vampy Soldier Ninja Skill Fighter! JHUCSAVSNSF for short. Oh, but first, I have to cast my vote.

**Obama**

**McCain**

**Jazzy**

**Hitler**

**Cullen**

**Hale**

**Cat**

I decided everyone was a winner. I walked out of the booth, but the alarm went off!

"Sir, you can't do that," said the guard.

"WHY?"

"YOU JUST CAN'T!"

"Might I remind you that I'm your future President?"

"NO! I VOTED FOR ME LOVEY JAZZY!"

"You. Will. Die."

"…"

~~~~~~~~~~~~SCENE REMOVED~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**(A/N: Jasper's Eyes were then red for the next two weeks)**

**Back to the story…**

So, I wonder what time it is- HOLY CRAP IT'S TIME FOR THE ELECTION.

I turned on CNN. Washington is for me. Texas is for me. Tennessee is for me. California is for me. Mississippi is for Emmett. **(A/N: I could go on, but that would take SO LONG!)**

Ok, here it is…

"And the winner of the 2008 Presidential Election is…" said the voice on the screen. All of a sudden the News Anchor was tackled by none other than ME LOVEY JAZZY!

"GRR! HITLER WILL TRIUMPH! GO HITLER! I WITHDRAW!"

WEIRD! I wonder-

THEN SHE BUST THROUGH MY DOOR!

"JASPER!"

"WHAT!"

"Since I withdrew, I became a, well; I guess you could say an assistant to Hitty,"

"Who?"

"HITLER!"

"OH!"

"So, I needed to take care of some… business…"

"What KIND of business?"

"Aro, why don't you explain it to him?"

"Like, OMG! OK!"

-Insert Awkward Silence-

"Well, like, OMG, Jasper, YOU GET TO BE HUMAN TODAY!" said gay-man.

"WHAT! THEN I'LL BE UGLY!"

"You sure will, because instead of turning you into a twenty year old human, the fairy will turn you into a 166 year old male human!"

"EW!" **(A/N: No offense to the world's oldest person! Though I doubt the world's oldest person would know how to use the internet.)**

"Ok, who's the damn fairy?"

"TINKER BELL!" they both said in unison. (Aro and ME LOVEY JAZZY)

Tinker Bell suddenly flew down from the roof, a burrito in her hand.

"Um… why the burrito?" we all asked.

"YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THE BURRITO!"

"WHOA, YOU CAN TALK!" I screamed.

"Yeah, ever since Disney gave me my own story! Except now, I'm bulgy!"

"Well, Tinker Bell, I DON'T WANNA BE HUMAN! GO ASK EDWARD!"

"Ew, NO! The most perfectest man in the world cannot be wrinkly!"

"True. Plus, Bella would think of it as pedophilia."

"Yeah… SO ON WITH IT!" she said, pointing her magical burrito at me. My veins filled with hot liquid. Blood. But this time, it didn't smell delicious. It didn't smell like anything. My heart started making a thump- thump sound. I HAD A PULSE!

"ALICE!" I screamed. Ew, my voice sounds all weird. A combination of Texan and old people!

"What is it, Jazzy- OH MY GOD! WHAT HAPPENED?"

"T-T-Tinker Bell made me gay!"

"…?"

"Oh, I mean old."

-Insert Awkward Silence-

"So, yeah I'm leaving you!" Alice screamed! NO!

"WHAT? WHY!"

"Only for a little while, Jazzy. I'm going home to Mother,"

"WTF? You're mother's dead."

"Well, I guess I'm going to a cemetery, then."

Weirdo…

"HAHAHAHA! I'm telling Alice- WTF HAPPENED TO YOU!" Edward.

"Tinker Bell turned me into an old guy!"

"You have a pulse! And you're alive! And you're human! NO FAIR! WHERE'S THE FAIRY! I NEED THIS SO I DON'T TURN GOTH LIKE I DID IN THE 70's!"

Shudder, that was scary. Very, very scary.

_**1974…**_

_I was playing a new game of super awesome ninja vampys with Emmett when Edward came through the door._

"_Hey Eddie- OH MY GOD! WHAT HAPPENED!" He was wearing all black with… mascara- shudder- and other gothic things._

"_Sigh, nothing. My life is nothing but a dark abyss in which everything shrivels up and dies."_

_God, help me._

**Back to the present…**

"Anyway, you can't turn into a 108 year old human! You would make it very, very awkward between Bella and you."

"Oh, yeah."

"So, DANCE PARTY!"

_Three hours later…_

"Due to the murder of Chet You Betcha, I will be announcing the Presidential Election winner." Said MEGAN FOX! WHOO!

"And the winner of the Presidential Election of 2008 is-" but then Beware. Of. The. Cat tackled Megan Fox!

**Some random guy's P.O.V.**

"NO!" I screamed.

"Honey, what happened!" screamed Judy.

"MEGAN FOX DIED! NOW ALL I HAVE IS YOU!" I slept on the couch that night.

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

NO! NOW MEN (And a few women- shudder-) ALL OVER THE WORLD ARE GOING INTO A DARK DEPRESSION!

"Due to the *sob* death of Megan Fox, I will be announcing the Presidential winner!" screamed _**TAYLOR LAUTNER! WITHOUT A SHIRT ON!**_

"WHOOOOO!" screamed Bella.

"I thought you loved me!" cried Edward.

"Maybe you shouldn't wear a shirt so often!"

N-no comment.

Hmm, I like to sing!

"I like to scat like mini mini mop mop moop moop me! I like to scat like wah wah nyuk nyuk nyuk, I like to scat like ooh we mommy, mommy, I like to scat like dat dat dabba dabba dat dat dat! Duop doo we op oboe baby oboe! Zoo zoo loo you you you you me you we who! Yoo hoo! Eye eye eye eye eye! Shimmy shimmy, looey hooey dooey! La la la skibby do op!'" **A/N: I could go on, but I don't wanna.**

"SHUT UP, JASPER, TAYLOR'S TALKING!" screamed all the women in the world.

"Gosh…"

"And the winner is…" but he was attacked by Robert Pattinson!

"I WANNA ANNOUNCE IT!" he screamed. Thank god, he had a shirt on. **A/N: He has a pretty face but I never ever ever ever wanna see him without a shirt on. Taylor on the other hand…**

"HOLD IT!" screamed diehardTWIhard?

"diehardTWIhard? Where'd you come from?"

"Well, Jasper, you see, when a man inserts-"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! NOT THAT!" **A/N: Me getting a sex talk from my Mom.**

"Well, I came from the loony bin after I used my crazy person strength and vampire strength to rip open the bars!"

"…"

"Ok, then, we needs to make an announcement!"

"THE WINNER IS…" but he was attacked by Kristen Stewart!

"I WANNA ANNOUNCE IT! The winner-" BUT SHE WAS ATTACKED BY ASHLEY GREENE! Who was attacked by Kellan Lutz who was attacked by Jackson Rathbone who was attacked by Nikki Reed who was attacked by Peter Facinelli who was attacked by Elizabeth Reaser who was attacked by Chris Weitz. They are currently looking for a new cast.

"NO! INNOCENT PEOPLE ARE DYING! I SHALL TURN THEM INTO VAMPIRES BECAUSE I'M TOO LAZY TO DO MY JOB AS A DOCTOR!" said Carlisle, changing them into vampires.

"OK, PLACES PEOPLE!" said the dude in the pajamas.

"For what!"

"My nephew is gonna announce the winner. I figured since he was goth he wouldn't care whether he was killed or not,"

"Oh. OK!"

"Por favor?"

"WTF?"

The lights turned onto me, and only then did I notice that all the other candidates were next to me.

"Sigh, let's get this over with. MY LIFE IS NOTHING BUT A DARK ABYSS IN WHICH MY SOUL SHRIVELS UP AND DIES!"

"AT LEAST YOU HAVE A SOUL!" cried Edward from the Audience.

"SHUT UP, EDWARD, NO ONE WANTS YOUR EMO-NESS RIGHT NOW! Except Bella, she finds it oddly attractive." I said.

"THE WINNER IS… HITLER!"

Crap.

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

"NOOOO!" I screamed. Hitler was gonna rule our country! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! Well, except all the vampires, but Eddie wouldn't like it too much if Hitty killed his fiancée…

"YES! WITH MY NEW POWER, I SHALL RULE THE WORLD!"

"WHO VOTED FOR THIS GUY!" I screamed.

"I DID!" screamed Carl, the intern for Major Monogram.

"ERG! CURSE YOU CARL THE INTERN WHO'S WORKING FOR THE GOVERNMENT AGENCY THAT USES ANIMALS SUCH AS PERRY THE PLATYPUS FOR COLLEGE CREDITS!"

"I need college credits," he said, not caring at all that he just voted for a psycho, LIKE ALICE!

I felt something hard slap my head.

"I'M A PSYCHIC YOU IDIOT!" she screamed.

"SOR_RY!"_ I screamed. "Anyway, I gotta go save the country with my fellow vampy ninja brother, Jasper!"

"Jasper got turned into a human, remember? I also left him," she marveled.

"Damn," I said. I knew what I had to do. I had to see the magical wizard.

"HARRY!"

"What?"

"Turn Jasper back!"

"But-,"

"NOW!"

"But I didn't-,"

"HARRY!"

"SCREW YOU!"

That gave me an ouchie *points to non-beating heart* in here!

"Tis I, Tinker Bella, who made Jasper Whitlock Hale, HUMAN! MUHHUHAUHAU!"

"Tinker Bella?"

"YES! I am actually Bella's eighth cousin on her mother's side by marriage removed eight times!"

"Ok…"

"Anyway, whaddya want?"

"TURN MY BROTHER BACK!"

"OK!"

I heard violent screaming from the other room.

"EMMETT! WHAT THE *** HAPPENED TO ME!" asked an old person version of Edward.

"TINKER BELLA!"

She flew over.

"Yes?"

"YOU MADE EDWARD A CREEPY OLD GUY DATING AN 18 YEAR OLD! PEDOPHILE!"

I felt ANOTHER hard thing slap my head.

"I'M NOT A *COUGH* pedophile! WHERE ARE MY PILLS! BELLA, YOU STILL LOVE ME. RIGHT!"

"…"

"Sigh, TINKER BELLA!"

"What?" she asked, chewing the magical burrito?

"TURN EDWARD BACK INTO A VAMPIRE!"

"I can't do that, only the vampire fairy can do that! Or he could just go through the transformation again and live forever 108!"

"EWWWWWWWW!"

"Ok, Vampire fairy it is!"

-AT THE VAMPIRE FAIRY'S HOUSE-

"*$(*(*(**(*(**(* I TOLD YOU IF THAT PIZZA ISN'T HERE WITHIN THIRTY MINUTES I GET IT FREE! THAT WAS THIRTY- ONE MINUTES! I DON'T CARE IF YOU HAD TO GO ALL THE WAY TO AFRICA TO GET THE TYPE OF PIZZA BLOOD SAUCE I LIKE, YOU SHOULD'VE DONE IT SOONER!" screamed a dude with a Transylvanian accent.

-Ding dong-

"Hello?" he said.

"OMG, it's THE Dracula!"

"Yes, I see you are also my brethren,"

"We need your help."

Eddie slapped Dracula in the back of his head.

"You give vampires a bad name,"

"I VANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD!"

"Yeah, save it for someone who cares. Listen, I WAS a vampire, but Tinker Bella-

"TINKER BELLA? SHE ALWAYS TURNS THEM BACK! I SHALL TURN YOU BACK INTO THE HAWT 17 YEAR OLD YOU ARE!"

-SQUGGLY WIGGLY-

"OK! YOU'RE DONE!"

"Thank you, FATHER!"

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

"Jasper, I've decided to change you back," said Tinker Bella.

"What? Why?"

"I'm tired of living a double life!" she said, revealing that she was ZACK EFFRON!

I was so freaked out, I passed out.

I woke up (Never thought I'd say that) I had to have some answers.

"WOW, FAIRIES CAN BE TRANNIES!"

"Yes, I was born male. Well, I gotta go work on my next film, New Moon. The cast "Died" I'm the new Edward!" **A/N: NO!**

"WTF! EVERYBODY KNOWS EDWARD SHOULD BE EDWARD!"

"Ha, I know, I'm just jealous,"

"DIE!" I said, killing him! WHOO!

So, I guess now I'm going to go kill Hitler, the evil German-American President!

"EMMETT!"

"What? I was watching _My Little Pony_!"

"I'm a vampire again! Let's go stop the evil wrath of Hitler!"

"Hmm… OK!"

-At the White House-

"Ich hasse dich, du dummer Amerikaner! Hey, du! Sie sind nicht hoch! Ab in die Gaskammer!" yelled Hitler, and the sentence said that he was tired of working with stupid Americans. He also said that he was going to throw a man into the gas chamber for not being tall.

"YOU!" I screamed.

"YOU!" he copied.

"We are here to destroy you limb from limb!"

"Oh, are you sure?"

"Well, yes, actually,"

"Well then, you are mistaken!" he called two Secret Service agents. Bada and Bing.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! We are super cool awesome vampys!"

"Aha! But, these are also super cool awesome vampys!"

"Shit."

"AND THEY ARE NEWBORNS!"

"Double shit,"

I was going to go screaming like a little girl to Esme, but all of a sudden, ARO COMES!

"DIE!" he screamed, and a screeching sound and a piercing scream later, Hitler and the New borns were gone!

"Don't expect another favor from me! AND CHANGE BELLA OR DIE!"

WELL!

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

All was good in the land of Forks. Princess Bella was betrothed to Prince Edward

"I love you, Edward,"

"I love you, too."

Outlaw ME LOVEY JAZZY was on the loose…

"YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE, COPPERS!"

"STOP IT! I GOTTA GO HOME TO WATCH THE GAME AND I WILL MAKE MY DAUGHTER COOK FOR ME BECAUSE I'M TOO LAZY TO DO MY JOB AS A FATHER!"

Hitler was dead…

_Here lies Adolf Hitler_

_No one will miss him, so…_

_HAHAHAHAHA_

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE PRESIDENT?

"I guess I'll just have to do another term…" said George W. Bush.

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

"Fine," he grumbled. "Jasper, you were second…"

So it was, my dear children, that Jasper Hale who won the presidency. Humph. Ah, well, I can always whip Seth with a belt…

I heard a knock on the door.

"Hello- OMG it's kelseymorgancullen!"

"Yes! I got you some cookies!"

"But I can't- Ah, well, it's the thought that counts."

"Yeah, so friends?"

"Friends." I agreed, acting like one of those TV shows me, Jasper, and Eddie make of.

Wait, are we forgetting something?

_**Somewhere in Wisconsin…**_

"T-They should've c-chosen me for p-p-p-president," said Beware. Of. The. Cat.

"Master, it is quite alright, they'll see, the humans will pay." Said a whispery voice.

"Yes, yes, the humans will pay."

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

I guess we'll never know.

But we do know this.

"THEY'RE MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!" screamed everybody in Forks, Washington!

Oh, look, a penny!

And we continued into our small but perfect piece of our forever.

"EMMETT! THAT'S NOT UNTIL THE NEXT BOOK!"

"Oh, yeah." I murmured, grinning sheepishly.

Hmph, meanies...

**Review. Or my heart will split in two.**


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